My gifted daughter (9) is bored

Mother: “My daughter is nine years old and is in group 7. She is exceptionally gifted and has always enjoyed school. She also has many friends. So while we realize she’s vulnerable socially, we’ve never had to worry about that. Since she is in group 7, we have noticed a change. Fewer and fewer friends come home and when she is home, she cannot enjoy herself. She hangs around us a lot, says she doesn’t know what to do, doesn’t feel like doing anything. When we talk to her about the behavior, she gets upset and says she doesn’t know it all. She doesn’t know what she feels or where it comes from. We have already tried a lot, such as an anti-boredom pot with activities. But that only works for a short time, until the newness wears off. How can we help her enjoy herself better?”

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Challenging hobbies

Susan Bögels: “It is normal for your daughter to become bored. Boredom is a result of too little challenge. In addition to a high IQ, gifted people have excessive energy, creativity and motivation. Your daughter really needs space and guidance to express her special qualities.

“A gifted child always has to wait in a regular primary school. The material of primary school can be learned quickly; that we offer it in eight years is to teach children to socialize. For a gifted child, this feels like waiting for a bus that never comes. That can even be sickening.

“The anti-boredom pot may not offer enough challenging activities. Find ways with your daughter to develop complex hobbies outside of school, such as acting lessons, making music, or learning Chinese.

“Also see if she can play and learn with other gifted children. In several cities there is a Day a Week School where gifted children receive education together one day a week. There are also gap years for children who have finished primary school, but are too young for secondary education.”

Teaching self-insight

Wendy of Bohemia: “Gifted children have a development profile that does not match an ‘average developing environment’. Cognitively they are more advanced than their peers. They are also far ahead of their peers in the expectations they have of contact with other children, such as justice, loyalty and expressing something with words. There is emotional vulnerability, due to sensitivity, but also due to the cognitive capacity to think through consequences further.

“The older the children get, the more aware they become of the moments when they just don’t connect, or when they think a little differently. Uncertainty and fear of failure can arise. In addition, a lack of suitable offerings regularly prevents learning to persevere after the novelty has worn off.

“If as a child you have no insight into this, and therefore no control over it, it is frightening. The signals are stagnation, adaptive behavior or rebelliousness.

“Does your daughter understand herself, has she had an explanation about her giftedness? You don’t want to burden a child with a label, but the impact of not understanding and knowing is sometimes very great. To what extent has she ‘disengaged’ because her interests were never in line with those of her peers? And to what extent does her brain become so ‘switched off’ at school due to an ill-suited offer that she is unable to get it ‘on’ again in a private setting? She may need support to learn to switch in this way.”

Susan Bögels is professor of family mental health & mindfulness at the University of Amsterdam. Wendy van Bohemen is a neuropsychologist affiliated with HIQ Expertise Center for Giftedness.