“I’m in a difficult dilemma,” writes Caroline. “My daughter, who I know as a sweet, caring, gentle girl, seems to bully some of her peers at school. I got a call from a mother and was recently called on the mat at school. I find it really very difficult. My daughter is 8 and I have the feeling that there is a lot going on in her head. I can’t imagine how she behaves at school.”
“At home she’s calm, quiet almost, and I guess she’s insecure about all sorts of things. As a result, she may act unkind to classmates as a kind of defense mechanism. But something like this doesn’t just happen, does it? I just really can’t believe it. I’m in two minds: I definitely want to punish bullying, but I can’t seem to be strict with her because I feel like there’s so much more going on. What should I do?”
Don’t punish
Mirelle Valentijn is the founder of Stichting Omgaan met Pesten and is committed to combating bullying. According to her, there is no point in punishing, because that does not give a child insight into its own behaviour. It is much better to start a conversation and look beyond the roles of perpetrator and victim. “This girl’s bullying comes from somewhere,” says Valentijn. “It’s really important to find out what her reasons are. What is bothering her, why is she crossing the boundaries of others?”
“Maybe she’s trying to gain prestige in the group. Perhaps she is trying to drown out her insecurity by trying to dominate others. This mother already indicates that her child is quiet at home. Maybe she doesn’t feel strong enough at school and can’t express herself in other ways? Ask your child about it, talk about her feelings.”
Face it
This also means that as a mother you must be able to face the fact that your child is exhibiting bullying behaviour. Valentijn: “Your first reaction may be: ‘My child doesn’t do that’. Such a call from a parent or from school, as Caroline has received, contains news that you really don’t want to hear. You do not know this behavior of your child and cannot place it. Indeed, it often happens that a child’s behavior at school differs greatly from how he or she is at home. In the classroom there is a very different dynamic and there are different roles to fulfill. This is how you should see it: your child has taken on a role. It’s not about who she is, it’s about what she does.”
Discuss bullying behavior
“The more concrete you have a picture of what you are doing, the better you can look for solutions. Perhaps parents of bullied children have examples, or the school. This way you can cite specific situations and discuss them with your child. What made her take it out on her classmate? What thoughts and feelings were involved? What made others join in? Were there other children who encouraged her?”
“You can then shift the focus to the victim and try to increase your child’s empathy. Ask if she saw how the bullied child reacted, and if she had an idea of how he or she felt at the time. Often a bully doesn’t even think about it. It is often especially important that the bullying yields them something: being in charge, gaining power and prestige, for example. If you provide insight into the effect of bullying, you let your child reflect on their own behaviour. You can also ask, ‘How would you feel if someone did that to you? Or you cite a situation from the past: ‘Remember when this happened? You didn’t feel good then either. This is such a similar situation’. †
Find solutions
Often bullies also do not feel that they are crossing the boundaries of others. You can also teach your child to see this. For example, explain that you can tell how he or she is feeling from a child’s reaction. ‘Does a child react angrily by biting off aggressively? Or does someone become silent because of something you say? Then you’ve probably done something that the other person doesn’t feel comfortable with.”
Once the causes, examples and effects of bullying are clear, it is also important that a child makes amends, Valentijn explains. “As a parent, you can also help your child rebuild relationships. A simple ‘sorry’ seems like an easy and obvious solution, but that is not enough. Let your child really think for himself: what exactly have I done and how can I solve it? An example: if your child has excluded a classmate, this can be concretely made up for. Your child can approach the classmate and name the behavior: ‘Last time I didn’t let you play along and that was not nice of me. Do you want to join now?’ Then it is not just an empty slogan, but a victim really gets an explanation about what happened and what will be different in the future. That helps a lot for a bullied child.”