Mother: “My nine daughter recently came home with a bruise on her lip. She told me that she had played ‘school’ with a few girlfriends behind stacked mats, and ‘kissed’.
It turned out that with a few girls they had been on each other with the clothes on. My partner and I don’t know how to deal with this. To what extent do we limit this, and where do we release this? ”
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Pay attention
Belle Barbé: “There is nothing crazy about this behavior. In the case of ‘kissing’: from the age of seven, children can really feel affection for each other, and they show that in a way they know from adults. Lying on each other belongs to the innocent practice games that we know from ‘playing a doctor’ or ‘father and mother’.”
“There are a few things that you can pay attention to. The games must be voluntary and equivalent. That is, the children are about the same age and want to participate; nobody is the boss. That bruise on her lip must have hurt a little. You could check whether no one is forced.”
” Permission ‘is still a big word at this age, but you could talk to your daughter about it. For example, how she can see during such a game if someone likes it. Does the other person enthusiastically participate, or would she like to leave? And if she can’t see that so well, she can learn to ask: “Do you like this too?”
“Also ask who she is going if something that she actually didn’t want to happen. You can also say:” I understand that you are curious, but make sure you don’t hurt each other. “
“Perhaps the teacher for a moment point out those stacked mats. In such a place out of sight of the adults, annoying things can also happen.”
Behavior normalize
Daphne van de Bongardt: “How good that you asked about that bruise, and that your daughter told so open about what had happened.”
“This kind of experimental behavior is part of normal development in this age phase. Children practice all the time with everything, and therefore also with intimate behaviors such as kissing and lying on each other. These behaviors are not so sexual in this phase, at least not as they can later become. It is a safe, giggling way of being lovered with well -known peers,”
“In this case, limiting is not necessary, and also impossible. In this age phase, and the puberty that comes below, children and adolescents spend more and more time outdoors without parental supervision. If educators, you have more and more display of what they do.”
“What helps is Open Communication about what your daughter is doing and how she experiences it. Think back to what you did at that age, and talk to your child about it. For example:” When I had your age, someone also wanted to practice with me. ” Or another anecdote.
Belle Barbéis specialized in sexual education and author of ‘100 answers in sexual education’ as a pedagogue. Daphne van de Bongardt is professor of relational and sexual development, education and health at Erasmus University Rotterdam.
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