“My 15-year-old daughter is a rebel” -iODonna

Rebellious teenagers and that sense of parental helplessness

When our children go through bad times it’s hard to know what to do as a parent. It’s easy to get caught up in anxiety and guilt. There may be those who tell us that it’s all our fault, that we haven’t been able to act as parents, that we aren’t rigid enough, that we don’t expect enough from our adolescent children. Or that we are too rigid and that our children “rightly” rebel against our demands. Any way we do it never seems right.

Don’t compare yourself to others

While rather than blaming yourself it would be important to remember that there is no one way at all and especially there is no right way of parenting. We all come from different life experiences, and there is no magic wand of how to raise and educate children. Everyone does their best in the conditions in which they find themselves. We each have our own unique way of parenting, and our children have their own unique way of being a child. What they do other people’s children cannot be a reference or model for our children. We don’t know what happens in other families. And even if we knew it, it doesn’t necessarily mean that the same thing works in ours. So Mara, it is certainly useful to talk to friends, even to get advice or ideas, but my suggestion is not to think too much about what your friends’ daughters do, concentrate only on your daughter and on your way of be a parent.

Adolescents in conflict with parents: what to do

In a situation of conflict with our children, our first reaction is often anger, frustration, disappointment, helplessness. We can try to be even more rigid, demand more, scream louder, impose bans, punishments. But for the most part, none of that works. So what to do?

1) Breathe and distance yourself

In times of conflict it is useful break away from the situationespecially if you have difficulty keeping calm. We leave the room, go out onto the balcony, take a breather. Let’s focus on us to find calm. We can also tell our daughter that we need a break so she doesn’t start screaming. We can show that we are having a hard time managing the situation; admitting it makes us human in our children’s eyes.

It is natural to want to find a solution to the conflict immediately, we all would like to see our children always happy, contented, serene, good and obedient. But if we don’t first work on ourselves, to understand our emotions and feelings, we fail to understand those of our children. So we have to first take care of our state of mindtake a break if necessary, for regain energy before facing the nervous and grumpy angry daughter.

2) Let her vent

Our teenager needs to experiment at home by challenging her parents. It must be a protected place where she can “break free”. Sometimes even though she locks herself in her room, and apparently doesn’t want any contact with us, inside her hope there is someone who understands itthat you listen to it, that the help manage your discomfort. So let’s show her that even if she screams and pushes us away, we’re still there.

3) Listen to her

active listening, which I have already talked about earlier in this column, is essential for creating a relationship with teenagers. Dearest Mara, try asking your daughter how she feelsask her to tell you about her day, to tell you what made her angry or become sad in his day. And if the answer is briefly yes or no, “boh”, or “nothing”, try saying “tell me more” and Show her that you’re ready to listen without judging. And when she speaks let her speak, remain silent to listen to her. Don’t start with judgments and suggestions. The more kids feel listened to and not judged, the more they open up. And if they understand that we are present, with the intention of really listening to them, they feel relieved and happy to tell us about their life. Finally there is someone who listens to it! And if that someone is your mom (or dad) so much the better.

We also have to respect the fact that they don’t necessarily want to talk right away, in which case let’s give them some time, we don’t expect them to tell us everything right away, let’s just let them understand that when they want we are there. Even our children need time to understand their emotions and feelings but if they know that the parent is available to listen, sooner or later they will tell us. Maybe they start shyly but if they understand that they can tell us everything in a protected environment without being reproached they learn to trust. Often they don’t tell anything because they have afraid of our reactions. And because they are afraid to disappoint us. Especially if they are used to constant reproaches.

4) Support but not give solutions

As soon as they open up and tell us about their problems, our temptation is usually to immediately propose a solution and tell us how they should do it. But we shouldn’t take responsibility for solving their problems or deciding what they should or shouldn’t do. We can listen to them, help them, we can support them, even advise them and always be there for them we cannot live their life. So, Mara, we have to leave her the freedom to seek and find solutions, supporting her but not replacing her.

5) Get out of guilt

We moms always want to make everything work perfectly. Instead we should change our attitude, and approach, and not press our teenagers with preaching and demands, but focus on thelistening to our children and also to ourselves. We must free ourselves from feelings of guilt, to create a loving relationship with our children. Learn to listen to them instead of pretending to know what’s best for them.

A new way of being mothers

It is relatively easy to manage them when they are small and totally depend on us but as soon as they begin to become autonomous beings, different from us, even if sometimes very similar, but with their own unique way, alas it requires a paradigm shift, a change of modality. A new way of being mothers. Dearest Mara, we have to grow up together with our children. The The greatest favor we can do for our children is to make them independent. If your daughter is not doing well in school, you don’t need to feel guilty. It is certainly necessary to explain to her that it is in her interest to study about her, that it serves her for her future, but we cannot study for her and we must not do her homework. Woe to whoever does it, she only helps to de-responsibility for her daughter and get her used to the fact that there is always someone who pulls her out of her problems. And that doesn’t help her in her future life as an adult.

Who is Dr. Laura Peltonen

«I have a Master’s degree from Luca Stanchieri’s Humanistic Coaching Schoolone of the Italian pioneers of coaching, and a specialization always from the same school in Teen & Parent Coaching».

For contacts: Instagram: ellepi_coaching Facebook: Ellepi Coaching Laura Peltonen, Email [email protected].

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