Lovers Hetty (75) and Jeanne (91) are sitting on a bench by the Wadden Sea. They talk about their funeral music. Or yes, Hetty talks. Jeanne (pronounced ‘Sjaan’) smiles and mainly nods. The two look happy, but something is missing. Jeanne’s memory continues to fail. Or, as she describes it herself: ‘reality and fantasy increasingly go hand in hand’. Jeanne forgets more and more, but has Hetty to hold on to. Together they enjoy art, music and long walks on the mudflats. However, things are quickly getting worse. But give in to that? Not that. Enjoy the hole first. They only think about what comes next when they can no longer enjoy themselves. Not a day before.
The opening scene of the crushing documentary darling gives us just enough information about their relationship. Director Eva van Barneveld spent two and a half years with Jeanne and Hetty, and records everything very intimately. She got to know the colorful couple at a campsite twenty years ago, and that allowed her to get closer than the average filmmaker. She gives us snippets of information about Jeanne and Hetty’s past, but in moderation. One thing is clear from the start: the affection between these two women is incredibly deep.
Yet it is quite difficult for Hetty to always have to think for two. But relinquishing the care of her ‘darling’ is not an option. Even when Jeanne puts on pink jeans three times while already wearing her dance pants, Hetty remains calm and loving. She is trained in patience, but especially trained in love. It is also the main reason that a home is not an option, because ‘at home she doesn’t realize that she is so far away’. When Jeanne indicates at a clear moment that she has become a burden, Hetty is resolute: ‘We do a lot together, and we will continue to do so.’
The latter resonates strongly throughout the film, which, between all the heavy scenes about the toll of informal care and the need for case managers, especially impresses in small, loving moments. Unforgettable was the scene in which Hetty and Jeanne dance in bathrobes to Charles Aznavour just before breakfast. At moments like that, Jeanne revived completely, and all misery was far away. The joy was gone.
The film was full of these kind of sweet moments. Much more than a dementia drama darling an ode to the love of later. Not a pathetic argument about the inhumanity of old age, but an intimate report of being together up to the point. Life is often more than ‘loving’, but not for Hetty and Jeanne.
At the end of the film, the two are hugging in bed. Hetty: ‘I love you. Hilliebillie very much.’ Jeanne: ‘And I love you. Coincidentally, isn’t it?’ Coincidentally, that was no longer the case.