A friend who has owed you money for months, a partner who never pays for dinner, a child who takes all gifts for granted. In short: hassle for money. In this series we cover a new case every week. This time Ingelou (18) from Rotterdam, who secretly took money from her mother to go with friends.
Ingelou (last name known to the editors): “It was already four years ago, but I will never forget it. I would go to the city with some friends that Saturday afternoon to go shopping. I had already spent my pocket money, my piggy bank was empty. I also wanted to come along, it was one of the first times that they invited me. But I also thought it was a letdown to be completely broke. What if they suggested going for a drink on a terrace? Then I could impossible not to eat or drink anything and they might think I’m a sad figure.”
“Now I knew that my mother keeps money in her bedside table. I found out by accident when I was looking for paracetamol. Maybe she likes to keep some extras on hand. When my parents went shopping on Saturday, I was waiting me until I saw them cycling down the street and then quickly went upstairs to their bedroom.Besides some single euros there were eight 50 euro bills.I put two of them in my trouser pocket, straightened the bedding and with sloshing armpits I dashed down the stairs, out of the house. I didn’t want me to be there when they came back.”
“I’m still not sure if I should say it. She still doesn’t seem to miss it. Talking would be such a relief, but I’m very ashamed.”
Ingelou (18)
“That afternoon was a party: we ate chips at a diner, I bought a large bag of scoop candy and a set of earrings for 20 euros. ‘Nice earrings’, my mother said when she got home. There was nothing to be seen on her face that showed that she realized what I had done, but I felt very guilty. I did not dare to put back the money I had left. This in case she knew exactly how many coins she had in the sock and ten and twenty euros were certainly not in it. So I keep that in my piggy bank and I have not touched it to this day.”
“I’m still not sure if I should say it. She still doesn’t seem to miss it. Talking would be such a relief, but I’m very ashamed. What should I do? Shut up or say?”
‘Be open about how you feel’
Financial psychologist Anne Abbenes: “A money conversation with your parents is difficult. But no matter how painful, start a conversation. Be open about what it feels like not being able to go with friends because of money and tell her why you can’t help or advise her at that moment. Tell about the shame about what you have done. Also discuss what it takes to make money issues negotiable in the future.”
Abbenes also advises to discuss it with her friends. “We often discuss everything with friends, except money matters. It is important to talk about that together. Then understanding is created when someone does not have the money to go out.”