un child still too emotionally attached to his family of origin, in other words a mammon sonor a too intrusive parent, who never misses an opportunity to give his opinion and “get in the way” in the couple. If one has to do with these two figures, who are not so mythological indeed, it is appropriate to immediately run for cover by making it clear above all what are the boundaries of the couple and that no one can overcome. Mom first.
Honey, he’s a mammon. How to recognize it and behave?
Having a good relationship with your parents, especially with your mother, doesn’t mean being mums. The problem arises when the relationship is too close, of dependence despite the fact that we are now adultswhen instead of relying on one’s partner, one trusts more what the parent says and still seeks his approval and advice.
«Having a good relationship with your parents is an asset. But their excessive involvement in the life of the couple and, in particular, the presence of a cumbersome mother, can create enormous tensions and difficulties. If, then, a child, the so-called mammon, relies more on the mother than on the partner to make decisions and obtain emotional support, perhaps even telling stories that should remain within the couple, the risk is that the couple breaks up because, understandably, the partner feels ignored and betrayed» he explains rather succinctly Carolina Traverso, psychologist and psychotherapist.
Although we tend to think that the mammon son is almost an urban legend, a rumor to discredit the relationship that some men have with their mother, in reality it is not so. Very often at the basis of such a strong attachment there is a woman who is totally dedicated to the family and who doesn’t take kindly to the fact that his son has someone next to him. Not only that, usually they are women who have not had great satisfactions in their married life and have therefore poured all the expectations that one should have towards married life onto their child: «It is therefore inevitable that, when the child gets to know another person, this is seen as a problem and will never measure up to the child himself».
The mother-in-law is intrusive: why do parents interfere in married life?
In this case “a mother interferes in a son’s life because she can’t let him go: she wants to keep him to herself and, for this reason, she experiences every partner with whom he is seriously in love as a threat”. The first signs of this attitude can already be seen in adolescencebut they are not always negative.
In some cases, in fact, the intrusive attitude can also simply be overprotection: «Sometimes this attitude is done with the best of intentions. He is simply overprotective and this leads him to offer unsolicited advice or to take actions that he thinks are supportive without realizing that he is, in fact, invading the pitch. He is the kind of parent who, without realizing it, communicates distrust in the judgment of the child and the couple».
When the child leans too much on the parents
The opposite can also occur, i.e. it is the son to lean too much on his mother: beyond the habit of confiding, this attitude occurs when he has not yet achieved emotional independence which manifests itself above all in married life.
“Unless it’s a serious episode, confiding in a parent about one’s married life is not only a way to escape problems, avoiding direct confrontation with partnersbut it also leads to exaggerating them because it authorizes the parent to provide advice and opinions up to, in the most extreme cases, to bypass the child to address the partner directly».
How to stem the situation
How to behave in these cases? Evaluating first of all the single situation and then realizing a fundamental characteristic: if on the one hand there is a person who invades, on the other there is another who struggles to defend the borders and who allows certain “field invasions”: «The inappropriate attitudes of a parent are often fueled by the child himself who does not realize how much they can hurt his partner or, in any case, fails to put barriers because he feels guilty».
What are the main causes that lead to such intrusive attitudes? «Mainly there are two, an economic question and accepting favours, both two boomerang factors. Money is a very powerful Trojan horse for a controlling parent who, if they offer financial help, can then feel authorized to interfere in the couple’s decisions. Even accepting favors can backfire. For example, a mother could say that there is no need to make use of outside help, that she is there to take care of the house or look after the children, and then feel entitled to interfere in their education and other aspects of life familiar. In this house, gaining independence means regaining power. Complicating matters is also the fact that, often, the pushy parent is unable or unwilling to acknowledge that he is doing something wrong, and waiting and hoping that he will change puts everyone in a position of impasse ».
It is therefore essential to take the situation in hand, with sensitivity towards everyone but with firmness, re-establishing which are the insurmountable borders. A job that must be done above all by the mammon son that he should start trusting his partner more, confiding and confronting him. Without always having to resort to the mother.
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