Cplow Esther,
I’ll write to you after joining therapy for the first time. I am 32 years old, I have a child who is my reason for living and another one on the way that I strongly wanted.
Mine could be the Mulino Bianco family. Instead.
I met my partner in my last year of high school, 14 years ago, and apart from a brief back and forth we have always been together and we have built a family. For years I lived in a bubble, lost in love, I read everywhere that the falling in love phase doesn’t last more than a few months or a year at most but for me it wasn’t like that, I spent 7 years looking at my him like on the first day.
I I said to myself “We are not like the others”. Instead. But then things changed. Over the years he has carved out his own comfortable dimension in the couple, he let himself go a lot physically and stopped giving me the emotional attention I needed. So things started to fall apart and I had a brief relationship with another person, however never fully consumed, which was of mere physical attraction but without emotional implication. I confessed to my partner and after the blow, he collected it and decided to stay with me again. I also thought I was still in love with him and things got better for a while. Then the pregnancy, a happy period. Like it never was again after that. The shortcomings that made me suffer before have exploded again and they flared up again when, after a job change, a few months ago I fell in love with a colleague. For months I kept the matter only in my heart, then professional reasons brought us closer together and there were increasingly more intimate exchanges. We shared what we felt for each other, but he was always honest and made it clear right from the start that his future still lies with his wife, despite the strong physical attraction and emotional connection he feels with me and vice versa.
We had a mostly platonic relationship, just texts and a few fleeting kisses. We only had sex once, and it was the best thing I’ve ever done. I do not have I have never experienced the same pleasure in 14 years with my partner and the same degree of abandonment. There is, with this person, one very strong physical and emotional connection. But I know I can’t expect anything.
So I decided to close. For self-preservation, even though I miss him every day. I have no feelings of guilt towards my partner (and maybe I’m horrible) but the truth is that this person was the key with which I had to force the evidence of the facts and understand that I, my partner, no longer love him for quite some time. But he did, in his way, in his warm and fraternal way. But I’m not happy with him anymore. He’s a good dad and I would never take him away from his kids. Also because they shouldn’t pay for me. But I wonder if I will be able to spend the rest of my life – or how many more years – in a way that doesn’t belong to me.
I have never fallen in love with the audacity and abandonment with which I fell in love with this person. Which I won’t have.
I know well what the sensible and reasonable choice to make is, for me and my family. But I encountered a beauty and a pleasure out there that I will always miss.
Ester Viola’s response
Dear V,
in these cases I can only think of them, the betrayed, the poor betrayed. Which remain, above the ruin of everything. To resist and to hope, and to be parents, and to see if he gets over it. Then after a while the worm gnaws at them too, and they become – whether they like it or not – stronger, colder, more lucid. And it happens, it can happen, that they make you pay for it. Those of the betrayed are always good comebacks, but that’s another discussion, and we’ll do it another time.
So today we’re talking about my favorite part of love: insufficiency. Interesting feeling, great love, but you can’t count on it to do anything, much less to have ennobling effects or to deal better with the things of the world. What they don’t say about love is that you’d often do just fine without it.
Due to a limp marriage without further constructive-enthusiastic propensities of the husband in office, you have made yourself the companion and you think who knows. A new life. That I found! Ah the love! But so it exists! With this everything will be beautiful!
I marvel at your naivety in the face of adultery. Betrayal is a small-scale crime, quite banal and expected. Nobody pays attention anymore, not even the cuckolds.
How the post-boredom-marital relationship thing plays out. Take two who would do well not to see each other again, have them exchange phone numbers, spend seven weeks of shameless chatting, bake in a very hot oven.
Here it is: a beautifully made love, in your size at an outlet price. Which lasts long enough. We have already said that lovers of black are very advantaged, they do not have to make the effort of continuity and proceed to find themselves pleasant due to the commitment made. They have hormonal facilitations,
thank you very much for writing good morning love every morning. They see each other little, they have time to miss each other and dream of being perfect. They cry in despair if something gets in the way. They feel triumphant when they are together again. They are like those in the TV series: perpetually hindered, meat marinated with difficulty and nostalgia.
What exaggerations. Thank God, life is quiet somewhere else, emotional commitments are more limited, and that’s great for your health.
You’re grown enough to have experienced that even making lovers doesn’t work. The adrenaline releases, it becomes a wedding too.
Being in love is useless, you just need to know it. The happiness obtained from being very involved and very sexual does not coincide with the first quality. Because you have to work hard for the first quality, it doesn’t happen and it doesn’t depend. Approving who you have become, every morning – which is a little slower and heavier work. It’s a happier happiness, being able to do something that has nothing to do with “oh God, I’m in love”.
iO Donna © ALL RIGHTS RESERVED