Linus’ pop column: Tiles ‘n’ catastrophes – pitfalls of online interviews

Time and again in this column I have presented colorful absurdities that arise when you are invited to talk to musicians. I’ve already included countless acts like Helge Schneider, Kelly Osbourne and the Beastie Boys.

Because what can’t happen during interview appointments! The voice recorder catches fire, you accidentally sit on the handbag in which the act being interviewed keeps his mangy miniature dog, or you were hit (several times) by a pigeon with flying bird droppings on the way there and now try to do it cleverly on site hiding sitting behind a houseplant.

With the increased use of video interviews as a result of the pandemic, the lurid anecdotes surrounding musician encounters now seem to have become obsolete. You don’t hear your favorite star fart accidentally (unless he’s very loud), smelling is canceled during all of these screen dates and a lot of “physical comedy” (#banana peel and the like) is left unused.

But virtual space also reserves space for experiences beyond the actual. Here everything is, well, a little more subtle – but on closer inspection, no less susceptible to disruption. It therefore seems to me that it is urgently time to collect highly motivated anecdotes here too. After all, you don’t even have to conduct interviews for work to have fallen into the pitfalls of the online tile world.

I rummaged through my own black box of fuck-ups and also asked valued colleagues. The result was this lively collection. Have fun with it! (foreign embarrassment included)

Cat in court

To start with, a classic that went viral some time ago, but not everyone had it on their radar. The star of this Zoom fuck-up are the sad, desperate facial expressions of the cat, who actually wants to be a serious lawyer. Meow!

Sparks without sound

The best way to start online dates is to have your own account. At least I got tired of always waiting for the other person to provide a Zoom link – for a conversation from laptop camera to laptop camera. I wanted to appear to a potential talk guest like a rich man from the Internet. And what does he own? Real estate, precious exotic animals and a paid Zoom account. Yes, I would much prefer the other two attributes, but unfortunately one of the three was enough.

So I was recently able to provide another author (#poor) with a link so that he could use it to do an interview with America. More precisely with Russel Mael from the Californian cult band Sparks. Classy!
Author and artist met, I briefly felt like an omnipotent matchmaker until I realized that neither side could hear me. I tried to clarify the situation by quickly throwing out text panels, but Russel Mael, who is in his mid-70s, found my writing difficult to read and arrived mirror-inverted. The artist probably thought I was a crazy stalker in a special window on his computer and the author thought that, despite my coarse-pored skin, tangled, thin hair and glassy, ​​dead eyes, I had only been working in the digital editing business since yesterday.

Because I was worried that the arranged meeting between Russell and the author might be damaged, I didn’t dare leave it as the host – and just sat there for the hour and nodded randomly. I don’t want to put the deserving pop group Sparks under my eyes anymore for now.

Cat in the picture

Can happen at any time: Suddenly other people come into the room of the person you are currently having an online meeting with. Sorry, but if you don’t get a little adrenaline from this, I just feel sorry for you. I love surprises (just on the other side, of course). Unfortunately, they are relatively rare and those who come in are usually very well trained and disappear immediately. Things are better with animals. They don’t seem to care about the Internet and the etiquette that exists there. This sometimes represents an invigorating element:

“My cat Nandini is very attention-seeking and always comes into my office on time for online meetings with almost deliberate confidence. Then she starts meowing at me extensively – and yes, it sounds more like screaming: ‘Mau! Mau! Mauuuuuuu!!!’ Indignant at my ignorance towards her, she finally jumps onto the desk and in front of the camera. So far, so good, everyone likes cute animals. But the asshole of a cute animal is still an asshole and the up-and-coming indie pop band from LA doesn’t have to see that. So I usually cover the anus with my hand if I have the presence of mind. Unless I don’t like the meeting participants, then I don’t cover it. Herman Dune thought the cats were great because he had them himself, so of course that’s an icebreaker.” (Thanks to Désirée Pezzetta for this story)

rooms to face

Anyone who has never stared at the strange setup of those involved in their respective tiles in an online call should cast the first stone. I have to admit that I’ve taken screenshots before, only to enjoy zooming in again later. “Is there really ‘Mein Kampf’ on the side table?” All clear to all my future interview partners… Up to now I have never been able to see anything in these coarsely pixelated images. I’m just as curious as I am indiscreet, but I’m also a bit of a jack of all trades. By the way, I admit all of this so freely here, BECAUSE I KNOW that looking into other people’s scenery is very common.

“Eloy de Jong [Caught In The Act] Recently sat in front of a wall on which only my own gold records hung – only one was different. Does the former boy band star really listen to (and love) The Velvet Underground – or is he just pretending to be a random banana?”

This is what a long-time online editor with a nineties fetish conveyed to me. If Caught In The Act ever cover the Velvet Underground’s “After Hours” or something similar, remember where you first read about it!

More gold in the background

“The singer from Pinegrove asked me about the gold record in the background and was a little disappointed that it wasn’t mine, but my husband’s.” (Thanks again to Désirée Pezzetta. PS: And whoever guesses the name of her aforementioned golden man will get a birthday Zoom serenade from me)

Coughing on the highway

And online interviews are more static than erratic. This may apply to journalists – they want to record the most interesting conversation possible and sit politely and rigidly at the computer. Some acts, however, are currently on tour or are not tied to their desks for other reasons (#madness). Hey, what did you become an artist for after all! In this respect, you can sometimes meet the other person you are talking to while paragliding or in a hole in the ground with hardly any reception. Kind of exciting too!

“I have a Zoom talk with Miki Ratsula and it seems to fit right in with Miki and his girlfriend’s car ride to the legendary South by Southwest festival in Austin. The friend was driving and who could blame the two of them for having the windows rolled down to the asphalt on the highway because of the enormous heat (#Texas). Which not only resulted in a rather ‘unconventional’ listening experience, no, they both had to cough constantly because of the desert sand flying in.” (Thank you Christina Mohr for this story)

Disconnection

The next time you set up the device in the background of your online counterpart judgedenjoy it – and think about this text.

I would like to close with the farewell that once ended my interview with the popular musician Beck. At that time he was still with the less popular sect Scientology – and not a fan of questions about this topic. Far too early in the conversation (bad mistake) I asked exactly that. His response: “Oh, I think the connection is dropping, I…”

And never heard from him again.

In this sense!

What happened until now? Here is an overview of all the pop column texts.