TOcriminal lawyer, always interested in criminal law, she graduated with a thesis on the “psychology of testimony”, to understand, she says, “how to empathize with those who testify, and find out if there is a story within the story”. She could not have imagined that this study would prove very useful years later when she began to advocate for victims of violence. Nicoletta Parvis collaborates with the NGO WeWorld, which works to guarantee the rights of women, girls and boys in 27 countries around the world: oorganizes training courses for the operators of anti-violence centers and has published an information brochure with indications for legal assistance. In the Milanese studio he welcomes women who need his help.
Nicoletta Parvis, lawyer, defends women victims of violence. Photo Federico Guida
How did you start dealing with them?
One day, years ago, a heartbroken friend of mine showed up: a wealthy lady, a graduate, a family of professionals. She turned to me because she had finally understood that she needed technical help. Her spring was triggered not by her husband’s psychological, economic and physical violence aimed at her. It started when the threats to her daughter started.
Was it possible that this lady hadn’t realized beforehand the seriousness of the situation?
He understood it but he didn’t give it the right meaning. It happens often: she passes over at the first shove because her husband is stressed; you get over the fact that he doesn’t participate in your professional success because his work isn’t going so well and it’s best to keep a low profile. Then when the episodes multiply and risk involving the children, the sense of maternal protection is triggered.
How did it end?
Well. The husband has been sent away, for a long time he hasn’t seen his daughter again. Now contacts, sporadic, have resumed. In the meantime, she has found a job that has made her independent. Since then I have understood that gender-based violence is transversal. Among my clients there are women of culture who are psychologically annihilated to the point that they have less reactivity than simpler women. Sometimes being structured doesn’t correspond to knowing how to take your own life in hand, quite the contrary. You are convinced that you have the tools to dominate the situation but you don’t. This opens up enormous personal crises.
Nicoletta Parvis: “Women fear losing their children”
Do you remember a particular situation?
A manager, a beautiful girl, with a promising career. Her husband gradually cut her off from her network of friends and relatives. Then they moved abroad and she quit her job. When she got pregnant, he started devaluing her. He belonged to law enforcement, he was an obsessive narcissist with a nice guy image. She was afraid of not being believed. Since then my collaboration with WeWorld began, which devotes a lot of energy to women in its eight centers. The moments of child care are also interesting, where specialized observers, studying children left alone, are able to identify signs of violence in the family context.
Do you collaborate in a specific Women’s Area?
No, I mainly train specialists, lawyers and operators. We have prepared an information brochure based on the victims’ most frequently asked questions. Among their concerns are the fears that social workers take their children away and that, with a husband in prison, they have no means of support, given that he prevents his wife from working. They are terrified of making a complaint, because they fear starting a long journey with an uncertain outcome. Instead they should be helped to understand that reporting is important.
Does being a woman help you connect with victims of gender-based violence?
I think so. Furthermore, there are very few men in specialization courses. It is of no interest, apart from some enlightened cases such as the president of the Court of Milan, Fabio Roia.
And in your professional life in general?
I believe that a new course has begun for lawyers, also because we are almost half by now. However, I would like to underline that in my field collaboration with civil lawyers, men and women alike, is very important. A victim of violence generally first thinks about separating, and turns to a civil lawyer, who has a fundamental role as a sentinel. In fact, it is up to him or her to understand whether there is abuse behind the request for separation, and therefore a criminal lawyer is needed.
Nicoletta Parvis: «It is important to defend autonomy at work»
Do victims of violence have something in common?
Lack of self-esteem, also because the abuser acts on the devaluation. The victim, on the other hand, often has an exaggerated sense of being cared for, which leads her to justify the harmful behavior of her partner and to say phrases such as: “I will save you”, where one ends up losing self-respect. We don’t have to be nurses, neither psychiatrists, nor mothers of our partners.
What is the first alarm bell?
Limitation of personal freedom. When a man begins to say: “you don’t see that friend over there”, or “don’t work too much because you have to be with me”, there is a lack of understanding and respect for relationship and professional life. These are prevarications that herald an escalation. Defending one’s autonomy at work is fundamental, and it is something that we should all do more. It is often as if women’s work, with the same role, is worth less than men’s.
A message to the women of tomorrow?
Study, preparation, competence are the winning weapons. You have to form your own value, and hope that it will be recognized. The wish is that the girls succeed.
iO Woman © REPRODUCTION RESERVED