un privilege for some, a conscious choice for others. It is a slowly but constantly growing phenomenon among more or less young couples and which, in a very pragmatic way, The New York Times he defined as living apart togetheror more simply LAT: «A way of living couple relationships in which, despite the presence of commitment, intimacy and passion, it is decided by mutual agreement not to live under the same roof. Some LAT relationships are long distance, while others involve couples who live in the same city, but at separate addresses. In an LAT relationship you can be married, or not,” he explains Carolina Traverso, psychologist and psychotherapist.
LAT couples, whoever lives in separate houses wins in love
As often happens in these cases, too LAT pairs are a trend that comes from the Anglo-Saxon world. As explained by the columnist of The Guardian emma brokes, in this situation everyone wins because both partners maintain their habits and their daily lives while remaining in pairs.
A phenomenon that is spreading especially in recent years, in which a set of relevant social changes have been linked together. If for example in the USA according to the data of the Census Bureaucouples living apart despite being married grew from 2000 to 2021 reaching 2.95%, even in Italy people who live alone are constantly increasing: according to Istat data, people who live alone are 35.6%.
Among the causes of this new phenomenon, first of all the pandemic whose long coexistence has begun to feel close to many couples: «The spread of LAT pairs is one of the many expressions of a social change who no longer sees the traditional family, with the marriage of two people living under the same roof, as the only possible form of committed sentimental relationship. In recent decades, it has also been influenced by the globalization of the labor market and by women’s emancipation». Not by chance, there are always many more women who ask to live their life as a couple following this new methodwhether for professional or personal reasons.
Identikit of LAT couples
But who are LAT couples? At the moment, the psychological and sociological studies conducted on the phenomenon are still not sufficient. Definitely, whoever chooses this kind of relationship they are people who are often around the age of 50 and perhaps have found their personal balance after a divorce or bereavement. They therefore see in this modality not only an avant-garde choice but also a practical one to be independent.
The advantages of living in separate houses
But why choose to live separately? «What characterizes LAT relationships is the enhancement of personal space. And even if one could hastily judge them as compromise relationships, for those who choose them this is not the case at all. Indeed, one is led to think that if one lives together, the couple is strong and stable. It’s not for sure. The quality of a relationship depends not so much on living together as on the partners’ ability to tune in and respond to each other’s needs. In this sense, there may be cohabiting couples who have stopped understanding each other and couples who live separated by choice characterized by a great emotional and physical harmony» specifies the expert.
The constraint of this type of couple is that it is a conscious choice on the part of both: “Having spaces and moments for yourself shouldn’t be experienced as a form of abandonment or neglect but as an additional wealth, in which to feel freer than the traditional couple”. Not only that but another important “advantage” of living apart is also that of greater autonomy not only in one’s own life but also in the management of the houseavoiding daily irritations and misunderstandings: «Living apart, whether married or not, in fact allows you to avoid quarrels and misunderstandings, linked to different ways of managing the house and daily rhythms, and helps the desire that tends to slumber when habits are always the same. Keeping eroticism alive in a long-term monogamous relationship is neither an easy nor a foregone conclusion, and physical distance can fuel it».
Trust, fundamental in LAT couples
If trust is already normally an important aspect in married life, it is even more so in this kind of relationship: distance can in fact “play tricks on you”, so living in separate houses must be a completely conscious choice by both partners.
«In addition to the dimension of consensuality, the underlying intention should also be considered in choosing a LAT relationship. For some people, the LAT couple can finally be a dream come true, a way of experiencing feelings that are closer to their own way of being and feeling. For others, it could instead be a way to avoid dealing with unresolved knots and fears» explains the expert. For this, it is necessary that living in separate houses is not a way to escape from the responsibilities of the couple nor the fear of making mistakes from the past, concludes the expert.
iO Woman © REPRODUCTION RESERVED