Everything in 37-year-old Jan’s life is going well: his work in education, his friends and family. It just doesn’t work out in love. Due to unpleasant experiences in previous relationships, the Tilburg citizen continued to encounter problems while dating. Therapy helps him to break old patterns. “Puppets were even used to visualize the women in my life. One was so far away from me that she fell off the table,” he says, laughing.
Jan often walked on his toes around women. Something he discovered in relationship therapy. “I have been in a relationship that involved emotional manipulation. Then my girlfriend would say that I had said something I never said. Or ideas to cook together, for example, were rejected because she could do it better,” he explains. This caused Jan to switch to autopilot.
“My self-confidence was gone. If I acted nice enough, then I was also liked enough. Then she would stay. But that was suffocating.” Jan found himself surprisingly competitive: “I wanted to be the best lover.” When his relationship ended, he felt like he had failed. “I have not been able to bring this relationship to a successful conclusion.”
This story is part of a story series for the Omroep Brabant podcast Towards the Man. In this podcast, journalists Eva de Schipper and Evie Hendriks work their way through the man’s mind. They do this by having honest conversations with men from young to old, by questioning the men in their own lives, by secretly listening in with men and by looking critically at themselves. As icing on the cake, reporter René Snippert helps the ladies by talking to his friends and investigating the world of men and self-development.
Together with his relationship therapist, Jan discovers more and more of these patterns. “That’s quite playful, because your problem is not life-threatening. It’s also funny that you go to relationship therapy, but you are actually mainly concerned with yourself.” His therapist asks questions and draws out a lot. “Puppets were even used to visualize the women in my life. One was so far away from me that she fell off the table,” he laughs.
Jan doesn’t have any homework, but the periods between sessions do him good. For example, he writes down his insights in a notebook and goes on a date with himself. “Then I’m just at home, but I try a little harder. I make delicious food, watch a movie and write cards to myself with motivational words on them. When you’re single you sometimes miss the support of a partner, so I give that to you. to myself.”
Jan feels that there is a taboo about it. “I see women having a date with themselves more often. I think this is underdeveloped in men.” He therefore consciously tells many people that he is in relationship therapy. “I’m a better person now that I’m more open. I get a lot of support from my friends. They saw some red flags before, but I didn’t listen to them for too long.”