By Jana Förster and Konstantin Marrach
What is more important in life? Love or lust? Today’s new column by sex counselor Jana Förster is about this difficult topic.
A reader who wishes to remain anonymous writes: “I (26) have been in a relationship with a very dear woman for a few months. We harmonize on many levels – can cope well with everyday life together, have fun at weekends at parties and with friends.
But: Sexually, things are not going well for us at all. Since I would like to have a longer relationship, I don’t want to give it up just because I don’t have much fun in bed. I can imagine starting a family with her. But worried about cheating on her for wanting more at some point.
A difficult subject, I know. Do you have any advice? Ultimately, what is more important? love or lust?
Sex counselor Jana Förster answers: “What is more important: love or lust? A very good question. But it could also be: eat or drink? day or night? See or hear? You can see what I’m getting at.
This question can hardly be answered, because both are elementary in a balanced relationship. Unless neither of the two partners attaches much importance to sex and lust. Then a partnership can of course be very happy even without an active love life.
If we were to do a street poll with your question, many couples would probably answer ‘love’. This is simply due to the fact that sex life often does not have much space in the partnership in long relationships. This then has to be worked out and worked on and trained very explicitly, which unfortunately doesn’t work so well in many partnerships. A fulfilled sexuality is very individual, but extremely important in order to feel balanced. Sex is a basic need in us.
With you, dear reader, the relationship is still relatively new and you have already started your love life together with certain initial difficulties. First of all, I would like to congratulate you on having found a partner with whom you harmonize wonderfully in your everyday life and interests. Sexual attraction and attractiveness and the resulting shared sexuality are an important anchor, especially in the first 24 months, in order to really fully engage in the relationship and surrender to the partner.
The first question is whether your partner is just as dissatisfied with her love life in the relationship? Are they both unhappy or just you for your part? First of all, it would be important to clarify what only works with open and honest communication.
Bring a starting point by taking stock. If you both want to stick to the partnership, actively shaping your sex life together is a great way to develop the relationship further. In addition, I would advise you in a sincere conversation to exchange what you need from your partner in order to be able to express yourself in sexuality.
What are your preferences that you may not have talked about yet? How has your sex life been so far, and how much have you felt comfortable and discovered in it? How would you like to be touched by your partner?
Above all, I would like to give you a really great partner exercise: you sit opposite, so close together that you can comfortably touch your partner’s forearm. You, dear reader, expose your forearm and place it on your friend’s thigh. Your partner is now given one minute to touch her forearm with her fingers, palms and nails in the way she would like you to caress and touch intimately.
When the minute is up, take your partner’s forearm and show her for one minute how you perceived her touch and imitate the intensity, pressure and tenderness as you understood her touch. Then switch roles.
Very many couples have difficulties in the beginning to feel and understand what intensity and type of caress the partner likes. Is it more of a gentle caress, a touch of nothing, or is it a strong touch with pressure, which is equivalent to a massage? Afterward, be sure to talk about how you felt about the exercise.
Another helpful exercise can be to sit down face to face on a cozy evening, each armed with a piece of paper and a pen, and pen a sexually stimulating fantasy with your partner. Describe in as much detail as possible who does what, when, what is touched, in what way, and what particularly excites you about it.
Then exchange the slips of paper with each other and read your partner’s imagination. Ideally, you will then exchange ideas constructively about your fantasies and thus come into contact more and more about your sexual desires and needs.
The fact is: A fulfilled sexuality in a partnership means a lot of work and communication, unfortunately it just doesn’t fall perfectly into the lap of very few couples. I hope I was able to give you some ideas and I wish you lots of fun creating things together.”
Do you have questions for the expert?
Is there a crisis in your relationship and you don’t know why? Isn’t bed like it used to be? You can ask your questions in the popular BZ series “Frau Förster’s Question Time” – completely anonymously, of course.
Our expert Jana Förster, who has been working as a sex counselor since 2016, takes on the problems and answers them in her weekly online column.
Send your questions by e-mail to [email protected] or by post to: Question Hours, Redaktion BZ, Axel-Springer-Straße 65, 10888 Berlin.