“Will the tooth fairy come when my tooth comes out?” A friend was recently taken by surprise by this question from her son. In a few seconds she had to decide whether she would agree that he would indeed get a coin for his tooth, although she really didn’t want to tell any more untruths besides the Sinterklaas story. But then again, she didn’t want him trumpeting around the class that the tooth fairy doesn’t exist. Is it bad to lie to your child about something like the tooth fairy?
This is what the experts say
The tooth fairy figure came over from the United States about a hundred years ago. The tooth fairy is more popular there than here. Research even shows that 7-year-olds believe in the tooth fairy is stronger than in the Easter Bunny and Santa Claus. ‘In several cultures you can find rituals surrounding the loss and exchange of milk teeth,’ says Irene Stengs, an anthropologist at the VU and the Meertens Institute who specializes in rituals. In France, for example, children believe that a mouse (la bonne petite souris) takes their baby teeth in exchange for a present or candy.
‘For children, the changing of the front teeth is a major event. It gives a strange feeling, is visible to everyone and also symbolizes growing bigger’, says Stengs. It is therefore not surprising that such a rite of passage is marked in a festive manner. To call this lying is going too far for her. ‘Then you as a parent have a lot more to worry about. In many books the animals talk, you can’t do that either.’
There is no scientific evidence that lying about something like Sinterklaas or the tooth fairy is harmful to the child or that it harms the bond with the parents, says associate professor Rianne Kok, who is researching lying within families at Erasmus University Rotterdam. ‘Children have been asked: think back to the moment when you found out that Sinterklaas does not exist, did you feel lied to? Have you lost faith in adults? The vast majority are not bothered by this.’
That’s how you do it
There is a middle ground between actively going along with the story (‘she wears a dress and comes flying in through the window’) and bluntly proclaiming that it is all a big hoax. ‘Ask your child questions: how do you think the tooth fairy will handle that?’ advises Rianne Kok. ‘Children often believe what they want. Maybe your daughter will answer: I think she lifts the pillow carefully and puts the coin under it.’ In this way you stimulate your own thinking process and you do not fill in too much.’ Nice side effect: this way you participate without telling ‘lies’.
Anthropologist Irene Stengs can imagine that some parents have difficulty with the materialistic element of the tradition. ‘Why another gift or money? But that is in your hands as a parent. You can also put down a nice box for the tooth.’
American astronomer Neil deGrasse Tyson told in The Late Late Show how he encouraged his daughter to do her own research into the existence of the tooth fairy. “She put crinkly foil next to her bed to catch the fairy.” When that didn’t work, she and her friends hatched a plan: the first girl to lose a tooth would not tell her parents. Sure enough, the next morning the tooth was still under the pillow. So you see, such a fantasy figure can stimulate the imagination as well as the critical thinking ability.