“Sand if you want, I’ll explain to you how to have children!”. “It’s just an abortion, have another one right away.” “Ah, do you do PMA? And whose fault is it: yours or hers?”. “You have children when you’re young, now you’re old… do you want to be a grandmother?” “You had an abortion because when you force nature it’s never good” “All I need is for them to touch me and I get pregnant”. “Blessed are you who can travel without problems”. These are just some of the many (real!) phrases that many women hear every day, most of the time pronounced without any desire to hurt, as a simple result of years of social stigma and little information around infertility.
Not just the neighbor or colleague in the office, not just the elderly aunt or intrusive cousin. The media and healthcare workers also frequently demonstrate little sensitivity towards those who experience infertility and face the challenge of MAP. Underestimating how much words can hurt on certain occasions.
“It’s just an abortion, you can try again” and other phrases about infertility that hurt
Signed by the IVI reproductive medicine clinic, the Strada per un Sogno association and the movement to normalize infertility Oneofmany, the manifesto for a more empathetic, inclusive and respectful language of fertility (you can download it here) is a handbook of phrases. Words to use to speak without hurting. But also to overcome stereotypes and prejudices.
To raise awareness on a thorny, delicate topic that for some is a source of great pain, a change of direction is needed. You can no longer be approximate and joking, ironic or superficial if you touch on issues such as failure to conceive, abortion and perinatal bereavement.
Infertility is a disease that 15% of couples suffer from. Nevertheless…
«Infertility in Italy affects 15% of couples, equivalent to approximately one couple in seven», recalls Dr. Daniela Galliano, surgeon, specialized in Gynaecology, Obstetrics and Reproductive Medicine, Head of the PMA Center of IVI Rome. «Despite das of 2009 is officially recognized as a disease by the World Health Organization (WHO), is still described through inappropriate language, which can sometimes even be aggressive. It is important to demystify, break taboos, avoid euphemisms. It is essential that the language of fertility is fair and appropriate.”
At the center of the project are people with fertility problems and the situations they find themselves experiencing on a daily basis. Those who perhaps have just lost a child or have just received news of an implant that didn’t work, and find themselves listening to phrases said without them really being meant. So, let’s try to change.
Words are important. For example, these
«We could start talking about difficulty conceiving rather than sterility. You hate failed implantation instead of failed implantation. Of thin endometrium instead of inhospitable uterus. They seem like nuances, but they are not: they become messages of understanding, closeness and acceptance that make the other feel better”, underlines Vincenza Zimbardi, psychologist at IVI Rome.
From the manifesto: The Language of Fertility
Being infertile is not something you should feel guilty about. But it’s not easy to live it with lightness and clarity, when you find yourself chasing a motherhood that doesn’t arrive, despite all your efforts. Although the factors that determine infertility can affect both men and women, women experience it worse.
What women regret (and men less so)
«More than men may go through this experience with a feeling of regret for past choices, perhaps for not having started trying to get pregnant sooner» explains Galliano. «Or they may feel fear, a sense of inadequacy or shame. Whether it’s an inappropriate comment from a healthcare professional, a joke from a friend or a newspaper article that uses insensitive and inappropriate language. The way society represents infertility and the possible risks associated with abortions can have a enormous impact on emotions that a person can experience, on the choices he or she makes and on the results he or she can obtain.”
Martina and multiple abortions: «Only now am I answering that Tommaso is my fourth child»
And this is demonstrated by the opinions of the clinic’s patients, like Martina, who faced multiple abortions before managing to conceive her child. «I have often come across inappropriate words, spoken by people with little empathy: they don’t do it maliciously, they just say the first thing that comes to mind, not knowing that in front of them they have a person who is suffering terribly. Today with my baby in my arms, I finally have that strength to respond that I have always lacked. And now I always answer that Tommaso is my fourth child.”
“Lady! She should be more sporty! »
Or the story of a woman from the Oneofmany community, who tells how, at the fourth stimulation, in disbelief at the news that she had already ovulated, she heard the doctor say: «Ma’am! She should be more sporty! «But at night I couldn’t rest. But what does it mean to be sporty? Play? Fight? Knowing how to lose? Taking hits? Be elastic? And what had I done up to that moment?
After the diagnosis I went into the operating room every three months. I didn’t pay house rent to pay for the procedures; nI didn’t go on holiday. I didn’t cry. I broke myself everywhere, bending over backwards to reconcile freelance work and PMA. The next day I called the doctor explaining to him that that sentence had only made me feel ridiculous and misunderstood. “Try to be less superficial,” I told him, proud of my audacity. Now I’m sporty and insolent.”
The poster is then an instrument of visibility and awareness. «We want to be an agent of change and sharing with society how we feel, on which phrases and how we would like to be treated opens the door to respect and complicity, he declares», he explains Loredana Vanini. Who is the author of the photography book One of many and since 2019 founder of the infertility movement Oneofmanya point of reference in Italy for information, support and assistance to infertile couples.
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