cara Esther,
I’m S. A very normal 24-year-old girl, I have a family that loves me, few but good friends, a job with a permanent contract and I even had a boyfriend. I had, I left it. He, 8 years older, handsome and fit, with a degree in science and motor sciences, is still studying to take a master’s degree and in the meantime works. Kind and caring, always a great desire to spend time with me, someone who gets up if you have a stomach ache and runs to the pharmacy to get you a pack of buscopan without you asking him, in short, the classic good boy. And I after almost two years of relationship I came to the conclusion that our paths should separate.
Because mom always came before me, because she pushed about buying a house together (even if, when I told him I didn’t feel ready, he replied that he would wait for me), the conversations were increasingly boring, I had no stimuli and the want to do anything with theui. I no longer felt happy and fulfilled from this relationship and given his age, I thought that maybe it wasn’t the case to waste his time, that it was right for him to build his future with someone who was ready to share a house, have children and start a family. I’ve spent the last two months complaining about how I was with him and about his flaws and yet now that I’ve left him I feel terrible, I feel guilty about everything and I think I’m the one who made a mistake, who maybe I should have been patient, that mature relationships are also made of boredom and that everyone has defects and perfection does not exist. But I’m also of the opinion that at 24 it’s not right to “settle” that if something goes wrong, it doesn’t go, that people don’t change and I would have dealt with the rest of my life with his mom’s calls and him that every time he opens his mouth I think “but what is he saying?”. And so why? Why do I seem to have second thoughts? Because I think I was wrong? Why am I in so much pain that it feels like I was left?
Maybe what I need is to be told if I made the right choice or not.
Thanks in advance,
St.
Fall in love, the second letter
Ester, wandering in the maze of a ten-year married life, I report verbatim the final words of a short film which, however, snatched more than one tear from me…
Katie Jordan: We are still us. It’s us with our story and it’s not that stories are made overnight.
I mean, in Mesopotamia or ancient Troy or one of those places over there, there are cities built on top of other cities. But I don’t want to build another city, I already have this city! I mean, I know where we keep the antibiotic and I know what mood you’re in when you wake up. I just look at which eyebrow you raise. And you know very well that I don’t want to talk in the morning and you behave accordingly. It is a dance that one perfects only over time. And it’s tiring, much more tiring than I had anticipated, but it does more good than harm.
And then, let’s face it: anyone will always have some trait that gets on my nerves. So why not keep me your features, sorry.
I’m not a cakewalk either, but I also have a great sense of duty so in the end I manage.
Pepe’s wife
Esther Viola’s answer
Dear both, S. and Peppe’s wife,
Respond to each other.
Let’s start at twenty. It precedes the Great Love – always – the Great Scam. The Great Scam is an inalienable and fundamental formative experience. It’s not so much taking her, but how long it will take you to call her by her name, run away and then head towards other better and more stable subjects of the human consortium.
Fall in love: but then it passes?
What else do you understand, later? That the greatest dance about happy love is that it never passes, the greatest myth about unhappy love is that it is eternal.
And the degree course does not end. Given a very happy and requited love, the Loving Subject will be made aware of another truth that he had not requested: adrenaline is weak. It’s human nature, it gets boring. Taken two individuals and placed in joint captivity for months, they will do anything to get out of the way. Very normal. No matter how happy you started off, being in love – it turns out – is useless. The happiness obtained does not coincide with the first quality. Because you have to work hard for the first quality, it doesn’t happen and it doesn’t depend.
Fall in love: love is a thousand things
The softening of all love is incurable, amen. But this tragedy is not as young people paint it. Love has strange ways of building itself, it takes unexpected forms, it fits in your life but not in the room you thought. Love is a thousand things, including hating each other, finding yourself useless together and disinterested and tired and with the impression of having run out of strength. Is love not to leave? Can be.
You realize it’s love when you start wondering if you really existed even in a lifetime
previous, without a certain person. You can no longer imagine yourself elsewhere, as if
an identical story was irreproducible, although the thing is not testified by evidence
clamorous. Time before and any future no longer seem whole.
Read all the episodes of Ester Viola’s column Defective Relationships here.
All loves are alike
It’s not like the beginning. When we were convinced that an individual, the chosen one (by us), had arrived on purpose to add quality to our days and last. What was missing to make us the perfect life he had in his pocket. Then we weren’t twenty anymore and we saw each other better: nobody changes anything except our state of mind.
We imagined a present tending towards infinity, at the beginning.
And instead? What do they give you? A Pepe. Peppe yours. All loves are alike: they start over, different every year. Adjustment work. “Simplicity is never that simple” writes Philip Roth. Where would happiness be, then? If love passion doesn’t last or doesn’t arrive and love for reflection always seems like a half thing?
In the meantime, we need to change the questions, because we make them stupid.
Is this the best thing that could ever happen to me? This is the toothy afterthought behind every wedding. And life replies: it’s what you have, you decide the rest. And you decide knowing that more than all love, in order to last, it even wants indifference, selfishness, that you are happy elsewhere too.
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