By Jana Förster and Konstantin Marrach
The last few days finally brought some warmth and sunshine again. A positive boost for our hormones too. However, if you are single and simply have no luck in your search for lust and love, this time of year is traditionally a burden. As in the case of this reader.
The reader, who wishes to remain anonymous, writes: “I have been reading your columns with great curiosity for a long time. Today I would like to address you with a personal concern. I am 34 years old and have been single for almost 7 years now. Before that I had a relationship that lasted 5 years and in which I was also very happy. Over time, however, we had different life plans, and so there was no future together.
It’s taken me a long time to get over this relationship, but I’ve been actively looking for a new partner for about 3-4 years. Online dating doesn’t work for me, I’ve only had bad luck with it so far. But unfortunately I’m running out of ideas where I can get to know new potential partners.
I don’t dare to just talk to someone on the street or in the supermarket. Do you have any tips for me on how to break out of being single?”
Sex counselor Jana Förster, who regularly writes columns for BZ, replies: “It’s not just since Corona that finding a partner has been complicated. Even before that, it was no easy task to find the right person. It is not only the right partner that we are all looking for, but we also have to meet him at the right moment.
We go through so many different phases in our lives, in which we are only really receptive and open to a new partnership for the shortest time. So it’s not just about finding the ideal partner, but also at the right time in life.
Longer single phase not uncommon
If you take a close look at this fact, it is no longer so surprising that a longer single phase is not at all unusual, because we may meet great people, but it just doesn’t fit at the time or sometimes even overall.
So feel free to look into the past to see if there was a person there who would have been a good match for other circumstances. Sometimes a new contact attempt can work wonders. (By the way: A dear friend has been very, very happy on the second try with his current partner for a year now. Sometimes love just needs a different time.)
Of course, science is also concerned with this topic. In this context, I remember a study that was made a few years ago. Scientists from Cyprus have found that it is mainly due to a lack of flirting skills that we stay single longer than we want.
Flirting sounds simple, but it is very complex. Because it’s not just about having a casual introductory saying on your lips. It’s a lot about self-confidence, sending out signals and, above all, being able to understand and interpret signals.
If we look back in history, there really are many years of arranged marriages in our past. From an evolutionary point of view, we simply have not yet been able to develop a great deal of experience to anchor communication techniques and flirting behavior in our basic systems in such a way that they are essentially available and retrievable for today’s partner search.
So it’s hardly surprising that so many people describe themselves as not being good at flirting. So it’s a common topic.
For this reason, I would like to recommend that you practice flirting, especially since you have already mentioned that you do not dare to approach people you find likeable in everyday life.
If you have not had good experiences with dating apps, the best chance of meeting a potential partner is, in addition to your professional life, meeting people on a daily basis. Also, if you’ve explored the topic of flirting, I would recommend attending singles events. Berlin is the capital of single people and has a lot to offer.
Whether it’s cookery courses, speed dating, party evenings or dance courses: Those who can flirt and spend time with single people on a regular basis have a much better chance of finding what they’re looking for. And: You train your self-confidence, your eloquence and your small talk skills at the same time, which will benefit you throughout life.
In addition, I always recommend letting everyone in your circle of friends and acquaintances know that you are open to joint friendship evenings in larger groups or excursions where you can meet new people. Because a lot of partnerships also simply develop in the more distant circle of friends.
I’ll keep my fingers crossed for you and I hope that you won’t be sitting alone at the breakfast table any longer.”
How to reach the expert
Is there a crisis in your relationship and you don’t know why? Isn’t bed like it used to be? You can ask your questions in the popular BZ series “Frau Förster’s Question Time” – completely anonymously, of course.
Our expert Jana Förster, who has been working as a sex counselor since 2016, takes on the problems and answers them in her weekly online column.
Send your questions by e-mail to [email protected] or by post to: Question Hours, Redaktion BZ, Axel-Springer-Straße 65, 10888 Berlin.