By Jana Förster and Konstantin Marrach
How do I talk to my girlfriend about my secret fantasies in bed? How should I confess my infidelity to my husband? We have received numerous questions from readers about desire and passion in the last few days. This time it’s about…
… the worries of a reader who doesn’t feel like having sex and is therefore very worried.
Reader Laura writes: “I’m in my late 20s and just don’t understand why everyone talks so much about sex. I had my first time when I was 19 and found it pretty unspectacular. Even with my two friends after that, nothing has changed.
I have sex because it’s a part of it, but I don’t really feel sexually aroused. I never feel like doing it myself.
My first boyfriend often called me a prude during arguments, which hurt me a lot. I’ve felt kinda wrong ever since. I’ve been thinking for a long time what’s wrong with me.
When I was talking to a friend the other day, she told me I might be asexual. Can this be? When are you asexual? And should something be done about it?”
Sex counselor Jana Förster answers: “Asexuality is a sexual orientation. Just like bisexuality or homosexuality, it is innate and not a ‘phase’, as many people wrongly think of it in society. Asexual is defined as someone who feels little or no sexual desire. This has been the case from the start. That is why it is necessary to differentiate from temporary sexual reluctance, which many people experience at times in the course of their lives.
While temporary sexual reluctance is usually caused by illness, stress, conflicts or crises and is often accompanied by a high level of suffering, asexual people with their minimal interest in sex are doing wonderfully.
Most of the time, it is only through life partners that the feeling that there is a problem arises. However, asexual people themselves usually have no problem with it. Sex simply doesn’t play a role in one’s own interests. They have no unconditional interest in sexual activities, are not erotically attracted to any gender or object.
Asexuality is a natural variation in human sexuality and affects about one percent of promotions, according to studies and scientists.
A further demarcation must also be drawn to aromatic people. While asexual people do have partnerships, start families and seek and form interpersonal relationships, aromatic people are not interested in any romantic relationships. You have friends and are completely enriched by them, so you don’t need or want a partner by your side and you don’t fall in love.
In my practice, I often encounter this topic through dissatisfied life partners who have not yet recognized their partner’s sexual orientation as such or who cannot accept it for themselves in the partnership.
I often get the question of whether it can be treated or ‘cured’. Since it is a question of a sexual identity and not a disorder or illness, all that remains for me to do is to clarify. In the next step, we can work out together and very individually in practice how the needs of both partners can be considered and given space.
You see, dear reader, you are not a prude, as your ex-partner suspected ignorantly and probably frustrated in the argument. You describe to me a fairly classic picture of asexuality.
However, since this cannot be conclusively assessed from afar and only by means of a letter, I would be happy to recommend a professional discussion at a sex counseling or therapy center.
Otherwise, there is wonderful reading, as this topic is getting more and more attention in society.”
Which questions do you have?
Is there a crisis in your relationship and you don’t know why? Isn’t bed like it used to be? Do you have an erotic fantasy, but don’t know how to talk to your partner about it or live it out with her?
You can ask your questions in the BZ series “Frau Förster’s Question Time” – completely anonymously, of course.
Our expert Jana Förster, who has been working as a sex counselor since 2016, takes on the problems and answers them in her weekly online column.
Send your questions by e-mail to [email protected] or by post to: Question Hours, Redaktion BZ, Axel-Springer-Straße 65, 10888 Berlin.