By Jana Förster and Konstantin Marrach
The days are gradually getting longer, the sun sometimes gives us the first tender spring feelings. And the hormones are lurking. This is also noticeable in the readers’ letters. One seeks advice from BZ expert Jana Förster. Because: She is happily married, but has fallen in love…
The reader, who wishes to remain anonymous, writes: “I’ve been happily married for many years and I’m a real dream team with my husband. For a few months now, our new neighbor has been coming to see us because we’ve become friends with him.
I recently spent a whole Sunday preparing for our Super Bowl party with him. It was then that I realized that I fell in love with him. However, these feelings for him do not affect my feelings for my husband in any way; I even have the feeling that I feel my feelings for my husband even more than in everyday life.
What is wrong with me? Is that even possible?”
Sex counselor Jana Förster answers: “During our upbringing, we are usually taught that we fall in love with a person, that this infatuation ideally turns into love and that the feeling is then occupied for this person forever (or until the end of the relationship).
In fact, however, we can feel deep love and connection for a partner and at the same time our brain is quite capable of developing a crush or infatuation for another person without the deep feelings for one’s own partner suffering as a result .
To be honest, in our very monogamous society, almost nobody wants to admit this fact. I also feel this every day in my practice. But reality shows again and again that one does not exclude the other.
Infatuation is a very intense feeling, our hormones are on a roller coaster, we constantly think about the object of our desire, even our appetite is suppressed, our imagination overflows and we have the impression that we want to be with this person from now on. Love, on the other hand, which at some point grows out of infatuation, is much less adrenaline fueled. She thrives on more peace, trust and security.
For this reason, many assume that being in love means more and is therefore more valuable. Many decide from this situation to give up the existing love and follow the strong feeling of being in love and start a new life. In fact, both feelings are possible in our brain at the same time.
Now, dear reader, you are in the situation of having developed feelings for your neighbor who is also a friend of both of you. A dilemma, no question. At this point, I would like to recommend that you question whether your neighbor reveals needs in you that currently receive (too) little attention in your partnership.
This is very often the case when I encounter infatuation with others in my practice. It shows deeply rooted needs, which are sometimes buried by everyday life, children and work, and want to be seen. At this point you can start with your partner and confide in him what needs you are currently showing and pay attention to them within your existing partnership.
There is something very active about being in love and it often leads us to conclusions and hasty actions. But rather than act in haste, I would encourage you to just enjoy being in love as it is. Bubbling feelings that stimulate the imagination inspire us, reveal our wishes and desires and make us feel intensely as a sexual and human being.
A future-changing action does not have to be taken immediately, even if the impulse very often goes in this direction. However, if this condition persists for a longer period of time, has a negative effect on your current partnership, tempts you to act behind your partner’s back or is a psychological burden on you, you should take a closer look. Professional advice can be useful here.”