By Jana Förster and Konstantin Marrach
New month, new luck? In the past few days we have again received numerous e-mails and letters from readers on the topics of lust and passion. Sex counselor Jana Förster addresses one of these letters in her weekly column. Today: SHE wants sex, HE is overwhelmed by it.
A reader who wishes to remain anonymous writes: “I (42 years) am stuck in a dilemma. I’ve been happily married for 15 years, we have two great kids and live in the same house. I have been completely focused on my family for many years. My children are now out of the rough.
Now to my problem. About half a year ago I rediscovered my sexuality, I have many fantasies that I can’t let go of and my underwear drawer became a lingerie drawer. I have a lot more desire for sex and I’m finally doing my favorite sport from earlier times again.
A few days ago, my husband accused me of having an affair because that’s the only way he can explain my change. I also notice more and more that my wishes and needs overwhelm him. He often says now that he doesn’t feel like having sex. I’m frustrated and I don’t really know what’s going on with me.
Should I hold back more so that I don’t overwhelm my husband and he no longer has any thoughts of infidelity? Or should I continue to track my change? I don’t want to lose him. Do you have any advice?”
Sex counselor Jana Förster answers: “Even as children we are taught how fulfilling the role of wife and mother is. Young women mostly have exactly this goal: find a husband, have children, build a house, and happiness is perfect. Of course, this time is very enriching when we accompany children into life and enjoy the role of parents as a couple.
Unfortunately, nobody says that this time also means a time of renunciation. Often renunciation of one’s own and individual development, nowadays still above all for the woman. Most of the time, women handle their entire private lives and also have their professional careers in mind, which demands just as much energy. The children are at the top of the list of priorities, as is the partner.
Many women neglect their own needs during this time, even if it hurts to admit it. Societal attitudes change during these years, yes. But today’s women between 30 and 50 years old are often in this phase of life and know what I mean.
When the children are of an age when they no longer need all this care and planning, this often flushes the mothers’ own neglected needs to the surface. The newly gained time is suddenly no longer needed externally, but can be invested in yourself.
I have a lot of women in this phase of life in my practice and I often hear the statement: ‘Now it’s my turn’. Sometimes this need for personal rediscovery, exploration and development is so strong that the environment does not respond well to this change. The partner sometimes feels like he’s dealing with a whole new woman and doesn’t know if he likes it. After all, he has gotten used to the passionate mother and wife by his side for years.
Sex life has mostly settled down over years and is stuck at a tolerated level, which is now the comfort zone. Anything that causes this to falter naturally raises questions and can also be uncomfortable. The change comes from within, dear reader. Very understandable. But her partner does not have this inner need for change and development, so he should be given time to jump on her train.
This requires a lot of sincere communication, which is usually not perfected in the ‘parenting phase’. Parents are super organizers, but the emotional communication about the relationship usually remains weak. As a couple, give yourself time and a lot of attention to get through this phase together.
Be sure to keep an eye on your own needs and desires and take yourself seriously. They’re doing great so far. Sometimes a few couples therapy sessions can also be useful to accompany this process. Good luck.”
Do you have questions for the erotic expert?
Is there a crisis in your relationship and you don’t know why? Isn’t bed like it used to be? You can ask your questions in the popular BZ series “Frau Förster’s Question Time” – completely anonymously, of course. Our expert Jana Förster, who has been working as a sex counselor since 2016, takes on the problems and answers them in her weekly online column. Send your questions by e-mail to [email protected] or by post to: Question Hours, Redaktion BZ, Axel-Springer-Straße 65, 10888 Berlin