modern phenomena; we die in it. But we don’t always have to put up with it, do we? There are things we can – no, must – resist. This week, Julien Althuisius is looking at the return of the butt sticker.
It all seemed to be going in the right direction. Less was flown, there was less CO2emissions, there were fewer traffic jams, fewer queues, urinals were taped up so that you could no longer stand next to each other, a maximum of two people in the elevator, beautiful images of an abandoned Florence or a dead quiet Amsterdam, people walked around with big bows in the supermarket you and dolphins swam in the canals of Venice.
But all that beauty turned out to be a prelude to nothing. A look at a future that was not to come. Although we are still knee-deep in covid, life is back to pre-pandemic levels. It’s old-fashioned pushing into the urinal again, smoking tourists on bicycles have taken over our cities, millennials are crying about the climate to get on a plane to Mexico the next day, the A1 is standing still every afternoon and in the supermarket you become as usual pounded sideways and coughed in your face.
Except for the revival of mass tourism and the resurrected CO2emissions, another phenomenon that was thought to be dead has made a comeback: the butt sticker. For two years we could walk in peace and quiet on the street or cycle a bit without being chased. But now that the 1.5-meter measures have been released, the animal has taken possession of bicycle paths, walking routes and shopping streets as usual.
If you’re unfamiliar with the butt patch, there’s a good chance you’re one yourself. The gluteus is a mosquito in the shape of a human and has a habit of walking or cycling a very short distance behind someone, at exactly the same pace as the one in front of it. All this for much longer than is strictly necessary. Where animals with more brain capacity than a mosquito would decide to catch up or hold back in order to create an appropriate distance, the ass sticker prefers to stay within eau-de-toilette distance. This is not only highly annoying, but also involves certain risks: because the distance is so small, a collision can occur in the event of an unexpected stop. There is also a chance that the walker or cyclist can no longer control himself and at some point makes a striking movement towards the butt sticker. This is the ass stick’s own fault, call it occupational hazard.
Like all parasites and insects, the Butt Stick is unaware of its own unwanted behavior. He won’t even know what to do with your frowning, sighing, or shaking your head if you stop suddenly to let him pass. Scientists are groping in the dark as to the motivations behind the butt patch. Years of behavioral research have yielded hardly anything, except that the butt sticker seems to find it ‘just nice’.
Anyone can be an ass stick. Your partner or neighbor, your personal trainer or korfball coach, your colleague or manager. If you know (or are) an ass stick, don’t hesitate to call in professional help. It doesn’t have to be that way. There is a way out. The solution usually lies in the choice, which is as simple as it is effective: catch up or hold back.
Or, if that really doesn’t work, be set on fire.