“If we knew how the child and adolescent brain works, we would better understand our children’

Many times, mothers and fathers do not understand why our children behave in a certain way. The reason is that we don’t know how his brain works. We do not understand that at their age, there are certain things that, from a cognitive point of view, they cannot do. And others that, on the other hand, can only do it in one way, although it is not always the one that we would like. To help us understand our children, the psychologist Rafa Guerrero has just published a book: ‘The child and adolescent brain. Keys and secrets of neuroeducation’.

Rafa, why is it so important that we know how our children’s brain works? The fact that mom and dad know, even in a very basic way, how the brain works, can give them some basic guidelines to better understand to his children. If I see that my son is having a tantrum or my adolescent son does not want to talk to me, and I am able to get into his brain, see what kind of connections are taking place or which ones are not taking place, I will be able to make a much higher attribution. better adapted to what is happening. That sometimes what we say is: “there is no one who understands this child.” If we know how the brain works, we will be able to better interpret its behavior and, for the future, we will be able to implement more realistic goals. We are not going to ask our children to reach goals for which they are not prepared due to their abilities or due to their vital moment.

Could you give us a daily example in which we can understand how, if we do not know how the child’s brain works, we will not react correctly? One of the issues that worries mothers and fathers a lot is tantrums. When they reach that age, between 2 and 4 years old (depending on the child) we find that children go through a phase of tantrums. The fact that I understand what is happening in my son’s brain when he is in those moments, does not allow us to be calmer and take control. When we say ‘no’ to a child, when we don’t allow a child to do something or he has to do something that he doesn’t want to do, at that moment he can get angry. If we immerse ourselves in the brain, we find that the cerebral tonsils have fired and begin to release two substances: adrenaline (invites us to action) and cortisol (the stress hormone that prevents us from thinking). So, at that moment, when the child is in full rage, what happens is that he is tremendously emotional and little thoughtful. We try to make him think, reason, reason, but he can’t.

What else do we ask our children to do that they can’t do? Many. For example, we ask our children to concentrate at two years when a two year old cannot concentrate. You can attend, but do not concentrate. Attention is a process in which the stimulus captures me, but concentration is an executive function that has to be learned and developed. We adults are the ones who have to encourage that executive function to develop. To teach a young child to concentrate I have to model and give them instructions. How? If you want to color a drawing, I will tell you that first you have to choose the color you want for the hat, then take it from the case and then go coloring trying not to get out of line… With planning, the same, with regulation emotional, the same… You talk in the book about the child brain and the adolescent brain. And you say that if the child is little known, the adolescent is the great misunderstood…Yes, we have more neuroscientific studies on how the child brain works than the adolescent. But, even so, we have a lot of information that allows us to make adults aware of how important it is for them to know what the adolescent brain is like, which will allow them to better understand their behaviors. I always say, metaphorically, that the brain of a teenager is like a cell phone that is being reset. Let me explain: when I update my mobile, the phone stops working. I can’t make calls, I can’t receive WhatsApp messages, I can’t access the Internet. But, once the phone has been updated, what I have is an improved version of my mobile. This is what happens in the brain of a teenager. The difference is that the mobile update takes a few minutes, and the brain update takes a few years, and this drives mothers and fathers to despair. Adolescence is that stage in which a part of the brain is “in the works”. This explains why adolescents are very emotional, challengers, like novelties, because the part in charge of reasoning, controlling emotions, concentrating, planning… is under construction and therefore not available.

How can we mothers and fathers do to favor the correct development of our children’s brains? When we talk about education, I like to say that there is no neutral context, that is to say, that everything we do with our children subtracts or adds to its development. Let me explain: our children are, again metaphorically, a building that, genetically, already has the foundations, but we have to build on top of it. If adults do a good enough job, we will build a healthy brain, but if we are not able to empathize with it, we have difficulties to regulate ourselves emotionally, we do not tune in to its needs (including affective ones) and, therefore, we do not cover them, let’s build an unhealthy brain.

You talk in the brain glue book. Something that we parents have to manufacture and without which our children will not develop a healthy brain. What are the ingredients in this glue? You don’t buy brain glue on Amazon, you make it at home, and it’s what makes up a healthy brain. The ingredients of this brain glue are: protection, autonomy, connecting with their emotions, dedicating time, helping them regulate their emotions, empathy… All this put in a bowl forms the brain glue. And it has to be done every day at home. It is not enough to do much in one day, and no more. Children who grow up without this brain glue will have difficulty concentrating, regulating their emotions, impulsiveness… These children may develop academic difficulties that we can confuse with ADHD, and not be.

Rafa, you say in the book that we have to teach our children to differentiate emotion from behavior… What do you mean exactly? Since before birth, we already experience emotions, and we already feel them at the brain level. Emotions are innate, we cannot avoid feeling them. But one thing is that I experience an emotion, and another is that I learn to stop it, that I learn to postpone it, or that I regulate myself emotionally, and this is something that is learned. What happen? That our little ones do not have the capacity for emotional regulation, they have to learn. They feel an emotion, such as anger, sadness, fear and, as they do not have enough capacity to regulate it, because their prefrontal cortex (the area that regulates emotions) is not mature enough, nor has it had enough practice to do charge of that emotion, needs an adult, who does have that prefrontal cortex, to regulate it. What we must teach our children is that emotion is always legitimate (it is normal for you to be angry), but behavior must be valued (I cannot allow you to push your sister because of your anger). A child who learns to regulate himself emotionally will be an emotionally intelligent adult. And we only go to self-regulation if someone has previously helped us to regulate ourselves, that is our role as parents.

Rafa, how do screens affect the development of our children’s brains? Technological devices came into our lives years ago and, on many occasions, they make them easier for us, but they are like a car, misuse of the car can be catastrophic. The same thing happens with screens. Each family has its coordinates, but it is true that technological devices do not help build those foundations that we talked about before. And when I say devices, I’m also talking about TV, not just tablets, mobile phones or video consoles. The WHO recommends zero screens until 2 years old, and I, who know how the brain works, usually extend this recommendation until 6 years old. Because in these first six years is when greater brain development occurs. Consequences? A child who abuses devices is detrimental to his concentration, his ability to control impulses, difficulties in planning, they have a harder time thinking, more irascibility…