“I sometimes see articles in magazines where exes with new loves and all the first and second brood, including (step) children, are photographed as one happy family. The shiny glaze of all those broadly smiling people just hurts my eyes. And the stories about how happy they are that their families have merged so harmoniously after the divorce… I just can’t believe it can really turn out like this. I’m on the other side of the dividing spectrum myself.
madly in love
I was only 22 when I got married. Although I had only been with my child’s father for five months, we were madly in love and we went for it. Two more children came later, and all in all I’ve been fairly happy for about fifteen years. But then the cake was gone. My husband lived his own life and didn’t look at me at all.
I was not yet 40, did I have to live like this without love? My husband didn’t like the idea that I wanted a divorce, but I persevered anyway. The result is that he opposes me in everything.
My new love has pretty much the same problem. His ex also resists everything and tells their teenage daughter of 13 nasty stories about him and me. She says that I took her father from them, that I am a whore and a bad mother, because at the beginning of my new relationship I sent my children to camp to spend a week with my new love, their father. The truth is, my kids really wanted to go to that camp and yes, it was also a great opportunity to get to know this new man in my life a little better. A win-win situation that worked out very well for us. He moved in with me a month later.
grumpy stepdaughter
The result, however, is that I have a very cranky stepdaughter in the house once every two weeks since we moved in together. Every time she comes I try to be positive and interested in her, but I can’t keep that up for very long. And she’s not only rude to me, but also to my children.
Her father feels especially guilty towards her, because ‘he is the cause of this misery’ and continuously tries to calm things down. I can understand that she didn’t ask for this, but I’m so relieved when she goes back to her mother.
Secretly I was very happy that her mother didn’t let her go on holiday with us. But that suddenly appears to have changed, since Mom also has a new love. Suddenly it’s our turn this year to take her with us. So I have absolutely no interest in that. I can’t imagine having her around me for two weeks. Now I just manage to keep the peace when she’s there and not to scream or hit (she really brings out the worst in me). But two weeks, I just can’t afford it.
My new husband is very sorry that I feel that way. I’ve already suggested that he go on holiday with her alone, but he doesn’t want that. We had a big fight about it once. I don’t know what to do. Soon I will lose him, because of her!”
The Confession section is based on true stories. This piece was previously published in VROUW Magazine (every Saturday at De Telegraaf).