‘I still sometimes think I can’t punch’, says European Championship goer Jessica Schilder

Shot putter Jessica Schilder (23) is an impressive appearance. Broad shoulders, strong legs. But when you talk to her, her softness and modesty are most noticeable. “I still sometimes think that I can’t punch,” she says at a picnic table on the lawn of the Papendal sports center. “Let me muddle a bit. During the World Cup, a little voice in my head said: what am I doing here? How are you doing?

In the American Eugene, last month, Schilder made history by being the first Dutch to win a World Cup medal in the outdoor shot put. Her throw of 19.77 meters was good for bronze. She hopes to further expand the success at the European Championships in Munich next week. She says she may be feeling better than ever.

You grew up in Volendam.

She smiles. “Yaaaa?”

Why are you laughing?

“An excellent question to start with, but a difficult one.”

In what sense?

“It’s a beautiful village, but a village you have to fit in. If you don’t fit in, you’ll soon be an outsider.”

Were you an outsider?

She nods. “The nightlife is difficult to combine with the life of a top athlete. And I was a top athlete at a young age, when I was thirteen I became Dutch champion. As a teenager I wasn’t to be found in bars, but on the athletics track. Wasn’t gaming till night like my peers. They found me a nerdbecause I couldn’t keep up with conversations.”

That can be very painful for a teenager.

“Absolute. But I knew: this is what I want and so I take it into the bargain. I was pretty hard on myself.”

Were you bullied?

Yes, in the sense of exclusion. Only when I got stronger, got muscles and became Dutch champion for the first time, did the bullying stop. Then I was amazed.”

Sweet revenge?

“I liked that it stopped.”

Before you shot put, you took ballet for a while.

“I was five, my friends were at ballet. When they switched to athletics at the age of seven, I went with them. There were two free spots, which were allocated after a match: discus and shot put. I was a good discus thrower, but held back because I was more into shot put. That worked out well.”

Also read: nine sports, nearly 5,000 athletes. Why are there so many European Championships at the same time? Four questions and answers.

What do you like about the bullet?

“Bullets are heavier, you can put more power in them and I like that. You can really see where the bullet lands and often it is in centimeters. That makes it exciting.”

Top sport is emotion. People from Volendam are quite sober. Does that go together?

“That I did top sport was not an issue, but my parents would have preferred that I had chosen a more feminine sport. Sprinting or tennis – something like that. They weren’t really waiting for shot put.”

Because too manly?

“Yes. They wanted me to be a girl-girl. Although that’s not in my character. Parents have an image of their child and if that turns out differently, it will be disappointing.”

You didn’t have the inclination to live up to their ideal?

“I tried, but I soon found out: this doesn’t make me happy.” She pauses and watches the group of children slowly approach us. “They were happy and proud when I won a championship, but…”

…rather another championship.

She nods. “They want the best for their child.”

Were they afraid of what came true: that you were an outsider in Volendam?

“Maybe. It was meant to be protective: she will soon be bullied.”

She says it became more and more difficult: sporting growth in an environment where you don’t really feel at home. She won – often even – but the straitjacket was at the expense of her happiness in life.

She felt that she could one day reach the global podium. Especially when her former coach Hans Arnhard advised her to exchange the so-called sliding technique for the turning technique. “That technique results in slightly less stability,” explains Schilder. “But if it comes out well, you can get a meter further.”

I felt lonely when I was alone eating a pan full of food

She says that Arnhard followed an East German way of training: hard and strict. With that he guided her to the Olympic Games (where she did not make the final) and the European Under 23 (where she won gold), but she increasingly wondered if she was not ready for something new. “I wanted to enjoy more.”

Another problem was that at 85 kilos she is quite light for a shot putter. Perhaps twenty kilos lighter than its biggest competitors. A problem, because in shot put the following applies: mass is cash. You use your weight to push the bullet away. “My parents pushed me to eat more,” she says. “It was well-intentioned, so I could get ahead in a sporty way, but it didn’t work because there was pressure on it. I felt lonely eating a pan full of food on my own.”

Do you blame your parents?

“No. My parents wanted the best for me and without them I would never have made it this far.”

You have sometimes stuffed pasta in your mouth until late at night, until you could hardly take it anymore.

Determined: “That won’t happen now. And if it happened it would be voluntary, because I’m hungry. Not because we have to.”

What has changed?

“In September last year I moved from Volendam to Papendal, where I work with another coach: Gert Damkat. Gert has ensured that I have become more myself and started to enjoy myself more.”

How?

“He thinks my opinion is just as important as his. Take that turning technique, we worked on it together until two days before my World Cup qualification. It didn’t work and that made me nervous. Gert came up with solutions, so did I and at a certain point the switch switched. We were so relieved.”

Are you sensitive to how you are approached?

Starts to giggle. “That could be true.”

That’s good to know about yourself, because it’s all about details in your sport.

She nods. “To millimeters even.”

How did you find out you’re so sensitive?

“Gert said it to me. “Your body is different from that of the athletes I trained before.”

Your body?

“As a shot putter you have to have a certain feeling when punching. If you don’t, you’re skating on slippery ice. You want to have a grip and understand what you are doing. Due to my sensitivity, I have more grip than average, which, if it works out well, can make that half a meter difference.”

I imagine that sensitivity can also get in the way.

“Absolute. This has happened to me before, especially when I feel a lot of tension. Then it gets in my head and my performance is a lot less.”

So you have to make sure that you feel good about yourself so that your sensitivity works to your advantage.

“That, yes.”

At the Olympics, you performed well. Did this play into it?

The group of children strolls past us, talking busily. Jessica starts to slide back and forth on the couch. “I find this difficult,” she says. “Overstimulation is really a thing. That’s why I wear a cap during major tournaments. The setting alone, with all that crowd, can be overwhelming. I can’t see the audience through a hat like that. I always start warming up a bit earlier than my competitors. The ring is still empty, so I don’t get their energy with me. I look for a corner there where I can withdraw during the tournament. In my mind I put a wall around it.”

Do you get help dealing with overstimulation?

„I have a mental coach at my disposal at Papendal. For example, I now know that it causes me a lot of stress if I have to do the qualifying and final in one day. I prepare myself mentally for that.”

Can I come back to the Olympics for a while?

“Oh yeah. I contracted a corona infection just before ‘Tokyo’. That made it exciting until the last minute: can I participate or not? Very difficult, because as a girl I dreamed of participating in the Games. It felt like my world was collapsing. It’s over and out.”

The end of your sports career?

“Yes. That sounds dramatic, but that’s how it felt. As if I had broken my leg in six places and would never be able to walk again. I’m grateful to have been there, but I wouldn’t do it for a million euros.”

Because you suffered so much?

“I still suffer from it. When I have to test before competitions, I again feel that fear of the consequences of a positive result. The psychological consequences of such a test are more intense for me than the physical symptoms of corona. I also noticed that at the World Cup. I had some problems with my lungs, had to cough a lot. Then you quickly think: I can forget that World Cup.”

That already sounds better than: I can forget about my career.

She laughs, loudly. “Because I knew there was another European Championship coming up.”

What does your mental coach say?

“He understands my concerns and frustration. Just like Charles van Commenée [hoofdcoach van de Atletiekunie]. Both joke when I’m tense again for a corona test. They also say that I am still young and that there are still plenty of great tournaments to come. ‘One World Cup more or less, what would it be?’ Anyway, I did get bronze in that one World Cup.”

We talked about your weight earlier. Do you deal with it differently now than when you still lived with your parents?

“The special thing is that I am now five kilos lighter than when I arrived at Papendal, but I do hit further.”

This is at odds with the mass-is-cash principle.

“Yes, quite remarkable. The fact remains that the bullet will fly further as you gain weight. Because you have more energy and therefore more power. But the need to gain weight is less in my case now that I’m performing better than ever. Gert and the nutritionist don’t get mad if that scale doesn’t go in the right direction. They are much nicer. We even joke about it.”

Rather than who?

“Then my parents. I eat, but not that much. I think I got a vote here.”

Could it be that you are pushing further because you are so happy here?

She springs up. “One hundred percent! It’s a warm bath, I feel completely accepted. I may live in a room of nineteen square meters, but it is mine room. If I could choose, I would always live in beautiful, green Arnhem.”

What I am capable of I dare not say, but the goal is Olympic gold

Do your parents understand that?

“It wasn’t until they noticed that I was maturing and making big strides in my sport. Now they say: you are better off at Papendal.”

Her goal is to break the magical twenty-meter barrier. A handful of women in the world have succeeded, but currently only two shot putters can do it: the American Chase Ealey and the Chinese Gong Lijiao. “I don’t know if it will happen this year, but it will happen for sure,” says Schilder.

Did you surprise yourself?

“Yes. About the distances I throw, but also about the personal growth I’ve gone through. I didn’t expect to become the person I am today. For example, I talk much easier with people now.”

Maybe you held yourself back for a long time, just like you used to with that discus throwing.

“Fear of the unknown, that could well be.”

What is your ultimate dream?

“Get more than twenty meters. I know that I make mistakes, so there is still profit to be made. For example, in preparation for the World Cup, I was in a cast for a while because I had suffered a tear in my foot. That’s part of it, but it shouldn’t happen again.”

Suppose there are no accidents, the cap is in the right position, the corner is chosen and your sensitivity works to your advantage. What are you capable of then?

“I dare not say that, but the goal is Olympic gold.”

As we walk to the practice field, Jessica tells us that she hopes that one day she will have the space for a lasting relationship. The life of a top athlete demands a lot from a partner, she realizes. “And I’m quite picky.”

It sounds like you speak from experience.

“Sport is the most important thing in my life. If I find that my boyfriend can’t handle that, sooner or later I’ll end it. Ideally you would like to whirl around a bit at my age, but that is not possible with top sport.”