By Jana Förster and Konstantin Marrach
I cheated and unsure whether and how I should confess the infidelity. I have secret erotic fantasies but I don’t know how to talk about them with my girlfriend. It’s time for Mrs Förster’s question time again. Today with the topic: How does a relationship work with three?
A reader who wishes to remain anonymous writes: “I’m in my mid-30s and have been happily with my partner for 8 years. I’ve known my best friend for almost as long, with whom I spend a lot of time and enjoy spending time.
For about a year I’ve been carrying the secret of being secretly in love with my girlfriend with me. Then 2 months ago it happened on a girls trip, we ended up in bed together and it was wonderful. It didn’t change anything about our friendship, but we’re now much more physical with each other, even if not much else has happened so far.
I’m usually not a jealous type, but with my girlfriend I’ve had the desire for a long time now to include her in the relationship with my partner. My dream would be that the three of us are together and that we are all equally in a relationship. I also don’t mind if my boyfriend is with my girlfriend, who I trust a lot. Can something like that work?”
“Three love can be a great gift, but not without constant work on it.”
Sex counselor Jana Förster
Sex counselor Jana Förster replies: “You describe the desire for a partnership triad. This is a relationship that does not consist of 2 people, as is usual in the social view, but of 3 people.
In a classic triad, each partner is intimately connected to each of the other two, both sexually and emotionally. But there are also triads in which one person is with 2 other people, but the other two people remain monogamous and do not form any further bonds.
A true triad is always communicated openly, and all involved connect, share, and share responsibility. However, this is clearly to be distinguished from a lively threesome, which is certainly non-bindingly related to sexual adventures.
Dear reader, in your deep desire you describe exactly this form of polyamorous relationship. The first step should definitely be to engage in communicative exchange with your two dearest people individually and openly. I’ll answer your question as to whether something like this can work with an absolute ‘yes’. I have seen this often in my practice.
But in detail, success naturally depends on the consent and openness to this relationship model of all people involved. I would like to give you three tips so that this can also work in the implementation if everyone agrees.
First: Be (this applies to everyone in this constellation) honest with yourself at all times and also in the next step honest with others about how you are doing in this relationship. Get together regularly and talk about how you want to shape this relationship. Everyone should contribute equally. Leading a triad takes a lot of maturity, responsibility and courage. It can be a great gift, but not without constant work on it.
Secondly: Make sure everyone is spending alone time with each other, but they are also regularly spending quality time with the other. I know that this is a challenge in terms of time, which you probably have to organize well with a lot of effort.
Third: Set common rules for how you want to run your relationship. Whether you want to allow external relations or not, how openly and transparently you want to talk to your environment and your families about how you design contraception in this constellation and what no-gos there are for you.
I keep my fingers crossed for the exciting time ahead.“