By Jana Forster
The letters to sex counselor and BZ expert Jana Förster, which reach us every week, sometimes also deal with the dark side of lust. As in this case. A reader has fantasies of being dominated by a man. She just doesn’t know if and how she should implement this wish.
The reader, who wishes to remain anonymous, writes: “I’m in my late 30s and have been happily together with my boyfriend for a few years. I’ve always had sexual fantasies, but for a few months I’ve had a very special fantasy. In the meantime, I also often use this for my solo fun, and it also often accompanies me in everyday life when I meet unknown, attractive men.
I imagine being sexually dominated by you. So of course not in the brutal sense, but in the powerful, consistent enforcement of his desire to have sex with me. And I’m helpless at the mercy of it. After that, the paths separate again.
As I think about it more and more often and get very excited, I wonder if there is something wrong with me. Or maybe I have morbid fantasies. What do you say as an expert?”
Sex counselor Jana Förster answers: “Sexual fantasies are extremely important for our love life because they keep our libido in check and show us again and again how versatile sex can be, especially in the imagination.
A study by Ohio State University found that women have sexual fantasies an average of 19 times a day. Side fact: men are still well ahead of us with 34 times a day.
But no matter how many times we think about sex during the day, everything is possible in our heads. This is also the great value of erotic ideas. They show us where our lust is developing, because our sexuality is subject to constant change. When we engage in our fantasies, we remain in constant contact with our lust and libido, and through this we rediscover ourselves over and over again.
The most common fantasies include sex in threes and fours, sex with famous people or being watched by others. What might be of particular interest to you, dear reader, is that a study by the University of North Texas found out a few years ago that 62 percent of the women questioned in this study stated that they had so-called ‘rape fantasies’. So you see, you are far from alone in this desire for dominant sex.
But contrary to what you initially feared, this has nothing to do with the fact that something is wrong with you or that you have any morbid thoughts. Of course, the wish that you can live out in your imagination has nothing to do with a real rape or the real wish for it. With this wishful thinking, many women describe that it is about the power imbalance, being at the mercy of the man at the moment that you visually desire.
Often this is a complete stranger. He has so much desire for you in the erotic world of thoughts that he demands and leads the sex in an animalistic and dominant manner. So you can pursue this dream mentally without shame and perceive it as an exciting script in your head.
You also wrote that you are in a relationship. Perhaps it would be conceivable for you to confide in your partner and possibly make this dream come true with him as part of a role-playing game.
Be sure to speak openly about your wishes for implementation, but also about taboos! This is the only way you can live out and experience this fantasy in a completely protected, familiar setting. Perhaps your partner has also motivated one or the other reverie that he would like to experience with you.
I wish you a lot of fun.”
Do you also have questions for Jana Förster?
Do you also have intimate questions, need advice on lust and passion? Write your concerns – anonymously if you like – to Jana Förster.
By e-mail: [email protected] Or by post: Question time, BZ editorial office, Axel-Springer-Straße 65, 10888 Berlin.