It’s Saturday night again. To compensate for André’s salty jokes, I watch All of Holland Bakt tonight with friend A. – one of the funniest people I know. She just had surgery and couldn’t even do anything else this weekend (other than this with me), even if she wanted to. I myself have had two short nights. I have an above average tolerance for little sleep, so you won’t see me turn on the light in the local bar-dancing tonight. And so it happens that A. and I crawl into bed at about 9 pm with a protein bar and ‘death on our faces’ – as that girl always puts it nicely colorfully – while All of Holland Bakt takes place on the screen at the foot of the screen. Every now and then we are confronted by videos of partying friends with the fact that we are still thirty minutes. At the moment, however, we feel like André’s peers, so we won’t let it (or in this case: our Swiss Sense) put us off.
“Nice man”
The second All of Holland Bakt kicks off with a role play between André and a horse (something with a sick proverb and a lot of whinnying – not on my part). Since the best man has turned 75 and this episode is all about his birthday, I won’t tear him down again. Otherwise this blog will be just as negative as Janny and Robèrt’s comments on the cheese biscuits during the technical round. More on that later, because first the birthday girl gets to choose what he wants to eat. They become croquette sandwiches – four per baker. “Nice man”, A. drools, almost literally. “Mens on zero, deep fryer on 180,” I repeat the biggest fun letter of my shooting club, where after the sniping on Thursday evening the fryer is invariably cranked.
Fat snacks
Janny explains what the perfect croquette looks like: “Crispy on the outside, creamy on the inside. And the bun should be soft, but subservient.” Is noted. Inge makes Indian croquettes based on rendang. I’m bummed that there is no such thing as taste television, because I’m having rendang on Friday in a restaurant in Haarlem and my taste buds are still blown away. Her baking looks promising. Enzo makes a vegan version with spinach and pine nuts, based on a recipe from his grandmother. It is certainly original, but I prefer Marieke’s Barneveld chicken croquette. It looks like something I really want to eat after I do stumble out of a cafe at dawn, hunting for a greasy snack. The judges must have thought something similar, because she wins the first round.
cheese heads
While compliments rained down during the assessment of the nine different croquette creations, the cheese biscuits from the second round are completely razed to the ground. A selection of the unconstructive criticism from the jury members:
“I see dog bones, not butterflies.”
“This is just baked, or rather: just not.”
“I can be very brief about the butterflies: they look like onions.”
“It looks a bit messy.”
“It’s just not it all.”
It’s not easy for Enzo. He cannot avoid using lactose-containing products and can therefore not taste what he is baking. He does end up above Lynn, who forgot to press ‘start’ after putting her cookies in the oven and is responsible for the ‘outings’ that made Robèrt so sad. Zeinab, the master baker from the previous episode, did enjoy it: she leaves the other eight bakers behind.
“Paste, bitch”
Bake three is a complicated one: a bust of a character André once played. Henk de Bok or Flip Whistling Kettle, for example. It doesn’t really matter what Inge produces and what it tastes like. She is such an unparalleled sociable person that she can’t go wrong after only two episodes. Her statements are just as colorful as her hairstyle and outfits. “Come on. Stick it, bitch,” she affectionately encourages the fondant on her collapsing ‘Willempie’. Juliaan has understood the order, but turns out not to be able to fully comply with it in practice. “Gerard Joling with a hair transplant,” he calls his edible bust. Mary also struggles with the spectacle round: her bronze André, in her own words, is a mixture between ‘oh my goodness’ and ‘okay, I did it after all’. It’s not enough, because she has to leave the bakery. Thanks to her artwork of hazelnut, praline, caramel, mascarpone, raspberries and whipped cream, Marieke can claim the title ‘master baker’ – “A tasty Meneer de Bok,” according to the original Meneer de Bok.