These situations can make us uphill due to the possibility that our son becomes angry
Birthday parties are one of the activities that our sons and daughters like the most, but they are also a litmus test for us as fathers and mothers.
Surely the last party of your daughter’s friend comes to mind and as when you had to leave, she went into a rage, started crying and even hit you. It is normal for children between 2-5 years old to have these reactions when we deprive them of a desire and something they enjoy, in this case having a good time with their friends. What can we do so that they don’t cause a drama when we have to leave? We tell you the step by step:
1. Be understanding with your child
The first step we must take is to put ourselves in the shoes of our little son or daughter. They still do not have as much capacity to understand the fast-paced world that we live in, nor do they have the capacity to self-regulate. Amaya de Miguel, the creator of the school for mothers and fathers ‘Relájate y Educa’, gave us this example to understand the emotions that our son can feel if we take him out of the birthday party without warning: imagine that you are on a terrace having something with your friends, your partner suddenly arrives and tells you without any explanation, we’re leaving and no more talking. It would seem unfair to us and we would have every right to be angry with the couple. So why do we use this strategy with children?
Also, keep in mind that they cannot regulate themselves, they are still learning to manage their behavior, especially if they are in the tantrum stage. Therefore, if he gets angry because he does not want to leave the party, it is not personal, he is not doing it to challenge us. He simply does not know how to express the emotion that leaves the party causes him and that is why his form of expression is a tantrum. Psychologist Rafa Guerrero explains to us what is happening in a child’s brain right now. “When we say ‘no’ to a child, when we don’t allow a child to do something or have to do something they don’t want to do, at that moment they can go into a rage. If we dive into the brain, we find that the brain tonsils have fired and begin to release two substances: adrenaline (invites us to action) and cortisol (the stress hormone that prevents us from thinking). at that moment, when the child is in full rage, what happens is that he is tremendously emotional and little thoughtful. We try to make him think, reason, reason, but he can’t.”
2. Give the child notice
Although our sons and daughters are young and do not understand everything we tell them, it is very important that we communicate to them what they have to abide by. In the example of the birthday party, we must make advance notice of how long we can stay at the party and the reasons and reasons why we must leave at a certain time. Amaya de Miguel is in favor of these notices and so that they can understand them, we can use our hands so that they understand how much time they have left. So we could do:
- 1st notice before the party: we tell our children how long we are going to be (we indicate with our hands) and the reason why we cannot stay any longer, such as, that we have to read a story and have dinner.
- 2nd notice at the party 15 minutes before we leave: we tell our son that he only has 15 minutes left (we shorten the distance of our hands). But we must be careful, we do not fall into blackmail or prizes: “if we leave on time, I’ll buy you an ice cream later”.
- 3rd notice at the party 5 minutes before leaving: we give you options for these last five minutes. What do you prefer to do in the last 5 minutes you have left, go down the slide, say goodbye to your friends? Giving choices just before leaving can give the child a sense of control over his decision.
3. Accompany your emotion
After these warnings, it is time to leave. It is possible that this decision, despite the fact that the child has been warned, does not understand it and becomes angry because she does not agree and wanted to stay longer at the party. It’s completely normal. What can we do in these cases? Accompany the emotion and co-regulate them. The psychologist Alberto Soler gives us the step by step to do it:
- “When we are with the child lying on the ground, with a red face, turned on, we have to lower ourselves to his level, talk to him calmly and look him in the eye“.
- Stay calm and avoid getting caught up in their excitement.
- Stay with him or her until they calm down.
- Tell him phrases with which he notices that you are with him: “I’m here” “I love you”.
- Once he’s calmed down, we can talk it over with him. “Avoid big explanations. “Repeat the message calmly, accompanying them, but forgetting the sermons. In that moment of emotional outburst, their rational part is not activated and they will not come to their senses.”
The most important thing when we have made a decision in advance with our son or daughter is to stand firm. If he gets angry and cries, we accompany them, but that does not mean letting them get away with it and allowing them to return to the party. If we do this, the decisions we make will be arbitrary depending on our emotional state and that of the child.