Emotional manipulation or letting them behave like our parents are some of the signs
Family is the basic element for a child. It is where he grows, where he feels and where he learns. Therefore, if our son or daughter grows up in a toxic family It will negatively condition their development, and by the time they grow up, their relationships with other people will be conditioned by what they learned while they were in a toxic family.
“It is in the family environment where we receive the first lessons about the dark and bright side of life, about how to survive and meet our needs, and also where we develop the skills that will help us achieve our goals, relate to others and help ourselves by ourselves & rdquor ;, says the psychologist Laura-Rojas Marcos in her book ‘The family: From toxic relationships to healthy relationships’.
How can we detect if we have become toxic parents? We tell you.
Toxic mothers and fathers
We have become a toxic family for our sons and daughters if we resort to any of these situations and actions:
emotional manipulation
Is emotional manipulation It begins when the children are young and is maintained when the children have already emancipated. Laura Rojas-Marcos gives us examples of some of the phrases they use: “Do not leave me I don’t know how to take care of myself and be alone (without having any illness), I’m sure that if you leave something bad will happen to me and in the end I’ll have to go live with you so you can take care of me”. And these children find themselves in situations like these: “When I talk to them on the phone they often blame me for abandoning them and accuse me of having no feelings towards them. My mother often tells me that she gave everything for me, her whole life, and that I don’t show her the affection she deserves.”
Children who act as parents
Children are born dependent on adults. Their parents are responsible for meeting their needs. Therefore, the idea of reversing the roles and that they are the parents is very detrimental to their development. These children are going to have a big problem when they approach adulthood in the process of “differentiation“, that is, in the separation of their life project from the environment and family unit. This is how situations such as the one described by Rojas Marcos arise: “I feel that there are family expectations that I do not meet, that I should want to be like my parents and that I must be what they want me to be.”
Parents who project frustration and expectations onto their children.
When children are constantly criticized or blamed for not meeting our standards, we are holding them responsible for our own frustrations. “In my family environment, defects, errors or mistakes were always highlighted. No one was ever rewarded or congratulated. It is as if positive reinforcement was forbidden. My brothers and I grew up afraid of making mistakes, since the price we paid it was high”, exemplifies the psychologist.
Condition our love towards them
Without meaning to, we condition our love on the actions and emotional states of our children. “If you don’t do this, I won’t love you. If you’re mad, I won’t love you.” We must provide our unconditional love alwayswhatever happens, whatever they do. As the psychologist Patricia Ramírez said at our last event: “Our children do not feel loved when they do something we do not like and we let them know in an inappropriate way, with phrases such as: “you have disappointed me”, “I cannot trust you & rdquor ;, “for once I ask you for something, you have not lived up to it & rdquor ;. We are their source of security, and if they don’t always feel loved, no matter what happens & rdquor ;, she explained.
Among the effects that it will have on our children if we condition our love, above all, the repercussion on their relationships with other people and on their way of expressing emotions will be present. “A lack of affection can cause the need to have power to become an obsession. When affection and emotional connection are scarce, especially during childhood, the human being tends to focus his energy on having control and power to compensate that lack of affection,” says Rojas-Marcos.
ongoing discussions
Within the family, arguments are normal. But if these are repeated, unhealthy, or educational, can have negative repercussions on the development and well-being of children. “Family members who argue every day create a tense and unpleasant environment for everyone. The result is that over time family members will avoid spending time together, as they associate family with fighting, negativity, and feeling bad emotionally. that it is important to pay attention to the frequency with which family fights occur, as well as the effect they have on the group. Daily arguments and conflicts can have devastating consequences on personal relationships,” says Rojas-Marcos.