By Jana Förster and Konstantin Marrach
A partner’s infidelity is probably one of the biggest breaches of trust in a relationship. Especially if the deceived only finds out later by chance… The new column by BZ expert and sex counselor Jana Förster is about exactly this topic.
A reader who wishes to remain anonymous writes: “My partner left me after 19 years because he said the feelings are gone. After the difficult separation, we started to be in contact again after six months and tried again after a year.
Everything was great too, I had a great feeling that the second chance was just the right thing.
Now I found out from a buddy that my partner had an affair for about 1.5 years. The other woman knew about me and eventually didn’t want to be number two anymore and ended it. That must have thrown him off pretty badly, and a month later he broke up with me.
I’m extremely shocked that I haven’t realized this for so long and that he did. I wouldn’t have judged him that way.
Oddly enough, I don’t feel anger or sadness, just a sort of ‘numbness’. I’m not quite sure how to deal with it, and I’m kind of wondering if he’s being honest right now.
I was actually very happy with the second attempt, but that throws me off track.
And on the other hand, despite this great breach of trust, I can imagine forgiving.
Can you give me an advice?”
Sex counselor Jana Förster answers: “A second chance for love – there are many opinions on that. These range from ‘Reheated food doesn’t taste good’ to ‘Only then can it be really good.’ Both can be true.
It depends on the individual situation, because every relationship and every new beginning is unique. While there’s no perfect formula for this, there are still a few tips I’d like to share with you to help make your second chance a success story.
Processing is essential
Open and, above all, honest communication is a basic prerequisite for disclosing the reasons for the first separation. This isn’t a walk, I know. And yet here lies the greatest chance of not falling back into old ways and repeating the previous relationship – with all the mistakes and injuries. Because this is the biggest hurdle, especially on the second attempt after a long relationship – not letting the old patterns come to life again.
So be really honest with yourself about what has taken you away from your partner in the past. Take responsibility for your actions that contributed to the failure of the relationship. There is never only one part in the relationship ‘to blame’ for this. Reflect on what your share is. Only then can you communicate openly and honestly with one another.
By the way, the abandoned partner often has the attitude that he did not break up and everything was fine. Most of the time, however, this is not the reality, because when a separation occurs, for whatever reason the partner decided, the relationship was ‘diseased’ on both sides.
A partner usually just recognized it, admitted it and acted. So go looking for errors together, work through injuries, admit mistakes and missteps. Above all, the affair should definitely be discussed! This is the only way you can grow in the new bond and not repeat old mistakes.
rebuild trust
Trust needs to be rebuilt after infidelity. This takes time. You should give these together. To do this, talk about your needs, wishes and goals in the partnership so that you can look in the same direction together again.
Stay in regular contact about your feelings and keep your distance from old accusations once you have worked through them together. This is the only way the relationship can become constructive and grow again. Sometimes couples therapy can help.
New rituals, planned couple time
The main reason for many breakups is living apart and living side by side. You can live wonderfully in a household and be very lonely. So create active times for the relationship, ideally set up one night a week as a date time, be genuinely interested in each other. This keeps you in close contact and exchange and prevents you from falling into the ‘habit’ relationship trap again.
Rediscover sexuality
Many couples – especially when infidelity has played a role – lose interest in shared sexuality. In a new beginning there is usually a lot of lust, desire and desire. However, this is not a permanent subscription. That’s why I would like to urgently point out that you should build up and shape your sex life from scratch.
Many people discover completely new sexual sides in themselves during separation phases and usually do not dare to reveal them to the ‘old new’ partner. Shame and old habits are often the reason.
So be sure to regularly make sexuality a communicative topic on your date evenings in order to create new space for each other on this level as well. Share fantasies, talk about newly discovered needs, be open to experiments and be empathetic.
Sometimes it can also be useful to set marriage rules. When does infidelity start, what else is ‘ok’ to get confirmation from the outside world, for example through flirting? How often do you treat yourself to couple time? When and how are conflicts addressed and resolved constructively? Do we need a new culture of debate? what is taboo Also important: What do you need from your partner to feel comfortable in the relationship?
Discussing all of these things (and more!) and coming to a consensus with each other takes the relationship to a whole new level.
I keep my fingers crossed that you can enjoy a new level of relationship with a strengthened second chance.”
Write to the expert!
Is there a crisis in your relationship and you don’t know why? Isn’t bed like it used to be? Do you have an erotic fantasy, but don’t know how to talk to your partner about it or live it out with her?
You can ask your questions in the BZ series “Frau Förster’s Question Time” – completely anonymously, of course.
Our expert Jana Förster, who has been working as a sex counselor since 2016, takes on the problems and answers them in her weekly online column.
Send your questions by e-mail to [email protected] or by post to: Question Hours, Redaktion BZ, Axel-Springer-Straße 65, 10888 Berlin.