“Talk no more & rdquor; or “it’s done like this and enough is enough & rdquor; are some phrases that the strict fathers and mothers. This style of parenting is very harmful for our children: they grow up with fear, they do not dare to be autonomous and they are conditioned by everything their parents say.
Consequences on our children of being strict parents
The strict education has consequences on the development of our children
Lower self esteem
Those strict parents who use punishment or threats with children if they do not achieve an achievement generate insecurities. These adult children will have a lower self-perception of their abilities and capacities than reality, their self-esteem both personally and professionally will be low, they will not feel how valuable they are.
Little autonomy
When parents are strict with their children, they tell them what to do and what not to do, how to do it, where to go, etc. With this type of parenting, once they grow up, they will not know how to face situations and problems themselves. They will be lost because no one is going to give them instructions on how to proceed. For this reason, it is very necessary to let our children face problems alone from a young age and we only intervene if it is strictly necessary.
Fear of parents
One of the worst consequences of following a strict education with our children is the fear that they will develop towards us. If our educational resource is to use threat or punishment in the face of something they have done wrong, our children will develop fear towards their attachment figures. “The worst fear a child can have is of his family,” said Alberto Soler in his presentation at our last event. “At a time when we are extremely dependent, that those figures who must provide us with security use fear as a strategy to educate us is the worst fear we can feel. Feeling afraid of the person you depend on is truly terrifying & rdquor;, he remarked.
Submissive to others
Children with a strict education learn that they must follow every order they are given, that they should not question what they should do.
Validation depends on your success
Our children learn that if they don’t get a high grade or if they don’t win that award they are failing their parents and they are failing themselves. Your self-esteem should not be related, for example, to good academic performance, but also to other characteristics of your person. As the psychologist Patricia Ramírez points out, the pride of parents cannot depend on the successes of the children, but on their effort. It should not be “how proud I am of your grade & rdquor ;, but“ I hope you feel proud of what you are achieving & rdquor ;.
Rebound effect
An authoritarian education can have a rebound effect on our child. Threats and punishments can turn against us when he reaches the adolescent stage, since our son has lost all confidence in us and wants to rebel to contradict us.
How to stop being strict parents
Being strict fathers and mothers is not born, it is done. And we can change this situation if we change our way of educating.
Fixed limits, but not authoritarian
Between authoritarianism and permissiveness is the positive discipline. That is, educate with respectful limits, which are appropriate for their age and agreed. You can be firm without falling into being strict and authoritative. There are limits that must be observed for their own safety, such as shaking hands when they are in the street or carrying the car seat in the car. But there are other limits that we put on the wishes of our sons and daughters. For example, our son wants to watch TV while having dinner, but we don’t allow it because at home he never dines with screens around. This limit is necessary, because it is a house rule and our son knows that it is not time to use the screens.
Critical thinking
Critical thinking is essential for our children to question all the messages they receive. Philosophy teacher José Carlos Ruiz explains that we can encourage and teach our children to think well “by introducing in them the habit of analyzing the circumstances that surround them, both them and the other people around them, and pay special attention to attention to the contexts they experience at all times, learning to differentiate them & rdquor ;.
Change the communication style
“Do not do this, you are prohibited” or in the case of the notes “Either you get a notable or you run out of toys this year” are other phrases that strict parents use. Instead of pointing out to them that if they can’t get to a note they will disappoint us or we won’t love them, we must change our communication with them and our actions. Signal them to get the grade they get, we are going to trust them and their effort. Every time we use strict language based on threat or punishment, we are sending them a message based on fear. For this reason, as Patricia Ramírez advocates, we must provide our children with unconditional love and communicate it so that they know it and feel connected to us.