How do I encourage a 17 year old?

Mother: “My 17-year-old daughter recently sent a video in which it was stated that parents create fear of failure in their children by saying: ‘Do your best.’ Now I often emphasize that I find my daughter’s school performance much less important than whether she becomes a nice person. (And luckily she already is.) But how can I encourage her when “do your best” is already too much pressure? I do hope that she discovers that life becomes more fun and easier if you get the most out of yourself. To be clear: I think numbers are unimportant. I just hope she succeeds so she can start the rest of her life and discover what makes her happy.”

Exude confidence

Mariette Dietz: “’Do your best’ is an empty message. It implies that otherwise she would not make sufficient effort. It helps if you assume that she will do her best anyway, even if it doesn’t turn out what she or you expect. ‘Good luck’ is better.

“You could relax a little more. It is not always necessary to ‘come out what you put into it’. As children’s coach Tea Adema says: ‘Children are not lemons that you squeeze.’ Teenagers learn at their own pace, and it doesn’t always progress in a straight line.

“But your daughter will be fine one way or another. If she stays put, she will also learn from it. If she goes to a different school level, and to a less challenging class, that too. If she then wants to continue studying, she will find a way to do so. It helps if you can radiate that confidence.

“Above all, it is her process. Your role as a parent of a child this age is to help her evaluate how school is going. You might ask, “How do you approach learning?” Or: ‘How do you make a plan?’ If she is nervous during tests, you can help her with breathing techniques to stay calm, for example.”

Broader conversation

Jelle Jolles: “Parents talk too much to teenagers about learning and about school. “How did the English test go?” While many teenagers do not like school, and are not yet clear about what interest they have in it. This leads to a breakdown of the exchange.

“It is more inspiring if parents broaden the conversation. When they talk about themselves, about the news, about dilemmas: ‘The boss said today that we had to remove TikTok from our phone, what do you think about that?’ It helps if they look for anecdotes that match the experiences of teenagers. Show that they are curious about their opinion: “I thought about what you said again, and you had a really good point; what do you actually think about…?’

“We do not emphasize school performance, but rather their view of the world and personal growth. By broadening the conversation we also strengthen their oral language skills. This is extremely important for being able to argue and reason and therefore also for learning at school.

“But this also creates a broader opportunity for interaction, in which we can explain to our teenagers why we see it as our responsibility to point out the importance of school. That we don’t want more than to give them feedback and present them with options, without imposing any.

“If this still encounters resistance, we can ask: ‘Help me how I can talk to you about this.’”

Mariette Dietz is a youth coach specialized in fear of failure. Her podcast is called Adolescents with fear of failure. Jelle Jolles is professor of neuropsychology and author of The teenage brain and Get to know your child.