By Jana Förster and Konstantin Marrach
New week new luck? In the past few days we have again received numerous letters from readers about pleasure and passion. This time, sex counselor Jana Förster is addressing an extremely sensitive topic – how you can get your lust back after an illness.
A reader who wishes to remain anonymous writes: “Due to an illness, I had to have my uterus removed in 2021.
Physically, this was a very good decision! It’s difficult emotionally, since I haven’t identified myself as a full-fledged woman since the operation. My libido is completely gone and I don’t know why.
My husband is understanding, but I still worry about the effects of the lack of physical closeness. We are still young and actually in the prime of life, but I am missing something and so is my husband.
I want so much the need for intimacy back and yet I’m at a loss as to what to do.
Please help me!”
Sex counselor Jana Förster answers: “The removal of the uterus or similar profound interventions in the body can have different effects on the body and the psyche. In addition to the health benefits that you describe in your email, such an operation also entails hormonal changes in the body.
For this reason, it’s a good idea to discuss any emotional changes or loss of libido you’re reporting with your doctor, and possibly consider hormone replacement therapy, especially if you’ve also had your ovaries removed.
The psychological changes after an operation like yours should not be underestimated. In our social image, the woman is a ‘jack of all trades’, so to speak. She can father children and, of course, take care of them perfectly alongside her career, she should be attractive and athletic, eat healthy and exemplary and, of course, be in a good mood at all times.
At the same time, she should lovingly care for her husband, always be balanced inside and be the vamp in bed who sexyly seduces her husband and reads all his erotic desires from his eyes. At the same time, of course, decisive, especially at work, but also empathetic, considerate and feminine soft.
Some of you will shake your head as you read this and say, how is one person supposed to fulfill all of these attributes at the same time? Even if we find this description unattainable, this attitude is anchored much more deeply in the minds of women than we think.
So we define our femininity through many of these attributes. And yet, above all, our fertility is very closely related to our sense of femininity. Our sexuality also feeds heavily on our primal instincts to produce offspring.
Since the operations will no longer make it possible for you to give a baby a home in your body, it is important to deal with the emotional consequences of this operation. The most important and probably also the most difficult piece of advice I would like to give you is to accept and give space to your feelings and thoughts in this relationship.
Ideally, talk to your partner and/or friends about the changed feelings and thoughts you have with your body as a result of this operation. Ideally regularly. As you pay more attention to, deepen, and embrace these thoughts and feelings, they will lessen in pressure and strength. A professional contact person could also be useful in this context if the effect does not occur in the personal environment.
Think about what you want from your body at this stage in life. What it serves you for, even though you will no longer use it for procreation. You could give him a new purpose emotionally. You could impose on him those of the ‘female pleasure temple’.
So you could design the next phase of life in such a way that your body can support and accompany you in discovering the entire world of pleasure. To re-explore your erogenous zones and pleasurable needs.
It may sound unusual, but the fact is that we can cognitively define common goals with our body. It is important that we are in close contact with our feelings and inner needs and do not reject anything. So not the current feelings of displeasure.
Perhaps you would like to discover the world of tantra with your partner in the coming phase of life in order to reconnect on a physical level. Tantra is a great source of energy, especially in your phase of life, to enjoy and live out the prime of life.
I wish you a lot of joy in your new phase of life and keep my fingers crossed for all the processes that will follow.“
Do you have questions for the expert?
Is there a crisis in your relationship and you don’t know why? Isn’t bed like it used to be?
You can ask your questions in the popular BZ series “Frau Förster’s Question Time” – completely anonymously, of course. Our expert Jana Förster, who has been working as a sex counselor since 2016, takes on the problems and answers them in her weekly online column.
Send your questions by e-mail to [email protected] or by post to: Question Hours, Redaktion BZ, Axel-Springer-Straße 65, 10888 Berlin.