Lately I have been speaking to more and more women who want to learn to bluff. They have not learned it before at school and at home. There they had to be pleasant and social with the girls. Collaborate, praise and support each other. Have fun. Nice. Modest.
Boys learn how to bluff from the time they are in diapers. At the sports club, on the schoolyard, who has the biggest. And they also do that at work: I can do this, I want this, I am the best at this. And the worst part: it works.
And so women also want to learn it. Because things are going so slow at work, they say. After years of drudgery and women’s quotas, there is still a pay gap and management only 15 percent women. Maybe bluffing is faster?
So I don’t think that’s a solution at all. Women should not learn to bluff, men should stop doing it! But I also understand women very well. And so I would like to give some bluffing tips. Especially for Women’s Day, this week. But don’t tell anyone, okay? Otherwise everyone will do it.
1. Stand straight, shoulders straight, voice clear, hands lightly on your holster.
Wear heels if you want to, yes, even women over 1.80 meters, especially those women, why not? Constantly radiate: I am the right man (never say woman) for this job and you are crazy if you don’t know that.
2. Say: “Will you take minutes, Richard?”
And: “Will you clear up the conference table, Johan? I have to go to my next call.”
3. Interrupt male colleagues in the middle of one of those lengthy stories, you know.
And take it over. If one is halfway through a brilliant idea, you finish it and say: “Funny Willem, I said that yesterday too.” BAM. Now it’s your idea.
4.Never say, “I don’t know.”
But say: “Unfortunately, I’m not allowed to say that.” Now you’re relevant, instead of not having prepared.
5. Apply.
Always. Don’t ask if that makes sense, as I used to do (and then was told: ‘don’t do it’). Also never think: I only meet three of the nine conditions – ha! Men don’t do that either. They apply even if they have zero qualifications.
6. Always aim higher.
Really, very childish, but that’s how it works. If you need four days for a project, you say seven days. If you need two new colleagues in your team, say four colleagues. Do you think your own salary proposal is high? Then add 10 percent on top. Or better yet: 20 percent! You can always drop. Say “120 K,” instead of “120,000.”
7.Make big gestures.
Sit wide. Laughing loudly, whistling. Stretching yourself. Place your hands on your thighs when sitting, elbows aside. If they want to get around you, they have to get through you!
8.Think of men who have caught a fish.
They didn’t just catch a fish, no, they spread their arms: it was that big! Hupsakee! Just like you didn’t just buy a car, no, you got one FULL OF OPTIONS! And then you name it! Lane assist, sloping roofline, sports seats with memory function, 7-speed Steptronic automatic transmission, adaptive M suspension, 0 to 100 in 5.4 seconds (still slow, but good) – and so on.
9. That’s how you talk about your weekend.
So you didn’t just win at tennis on Sunday, no, you CRUSHED them. It was HUMILIATION. They crawled off the track CRYING. That ball didn’t just go into the intersection, no, that was a ONE-TIME shot! Always wear a Messi shirt under your jacket.
10. Don’t stay in the valley with the ladies.
But also go upstairs with the boys, using the elevator. And take that black run. Make an offer on that overpriced house.
11. Say things like ‘blockchain’, ‘synergy’, ‘living lab’, ‘paradigm shift’, ‘holistic approach’.
And: “Let’s park what you say for a moment and come back to my point.” Especially the latter.
12. Get more exercise. Walk around.
Also during a meeting. Everyone is sitting, but you are walking around. Think of the whole day as your Ted Talk. With your cards with keywords in your hand. Wear a headset, even during lunch.
13.Go mansplaining.
So: “Aren’t you listening, Henk? Then I’ll explain it further. Oh, you already knew that? It doesn’t seem like that.”
14. Stop saying things like: “I was just doing something”, “of course another solution is also possible”, “it was on sale”, or: “I am of course not an expert in this field”.
From now on it will be: “According to my experience” and: “I am convinced that”. Say, “I’m doing a pilot,” instead of, “I don’t know.”
15. And most importantly, stop this ridiculous behavior once you’re in charge.
Then you listen to the modest people, you call out bluffers and you reward colleagues who ‘just’ do good work. Then we can finally get back to normal.
I’m really looking forward to that.