“If Pieter comes to us for a few days during the summer holidays, then you have your hands free for Ruben.” They bring it so diplomatically, but I see right through it; my parents have an obvious preference for their oldest grandchild. Just like they used to have a clear preference for me.
Appearance
While I was the “smart, good” kid—with good grades in school, easy going—my sister was more of a problem kid. Always abdominal pain without a clearly identifiable cause, stay put and eventually go to secondary special education. When she also went through a lot of puberty and pushing herself, she was completely the black sheep.
My parents either ignored her or sat on her skin, there were no other flavours. Meanwhile, I was glorified. My parents like perfection. My father has always been successful in business. We grew up in a beautiful house.
My mother values appearances: she thinks it is not unimportant that her car is more beautiful than the neighbor’s. It was therefore difficult for them to accept that my sister did not fit into their success story. Because having a daughter in special education was something to be ashamed of.
a speck
Something similar is happening with my sons aged 6 and 4. Pieter is the sunshine in the house, cheerfully cycles through everything and is very cute to see. Ruben is also a very cheerful and just as cute to look at, but he does have a ‘spot’. He was born way too early. This left him with learning and concentration problems. He is a little behind his peers and talks a little more difficult.
My parents find it difficult to deal with that. They respond much more spontaneously to the oldest. They emphasize how smart he is, hug him, want to do a lot with him… But they prefer not to have the youngest around. They have all sorts of excuses for that: he’s too busy, grandma doesn’t quite understand what he means. ‘Such a child cannot do without its mother’, they often say.
fierce
And that leads to them inviting Pieter to sleepovers and days out and not Ruben. But also that Pieter’s birthday presents are always just a bit more expensive and more beautiful. The amounts he gets in his bank account are higher. And that at family gatherings they give him plenty of attention and hugs, while Ruben hardly gets any attention.
“Grandpa likes my brother better, hey mama”, my youngest said recently. I clumsily chatted about it. Said we love him very much and so do the teacher and his friends. I am furious. I pointed out their behavior to my parents several times. Friendly at first (“Ruben would love it if you gave him a little more attention”) and later angry (“You just want to show off Peter!”).
The last time that conversation got out of hand: my mother hung up angrily. At that moment I felt I would lose my parents if I pushed it to a head. The relationship between Pieter and his grandfather and grandmother becomes much more complicated. And I grant him his grandfather and grandmother, he can’t help it.
From their pedestal
In the meantime, I’m making amends with my youngest: buy an extra gift for his birthday, make sure he is spoiled with grandpa on his father’s side and take him to the beach or an amusement park during the May holidays. I am sure that Pieter will soon see through his grandfather and grandmother.
From experience I know that as a child it initially feels good to be the darling. But by the time I hit puberty, my parents fell off their pedestal; I felt sorry for my sister. I’m sure my oldest son will learn that lesson too.
He adores his brother. He always shares presents and sweets fairly. In a while he will no longer accept that his brother is seen as ‘lesser’, I’m sure of that. It will be a painful lesson – I know that better than anyone.