The terrible time of mass events clogging the city will soon come to an end. Could be a reason for our columnist to celebrate if it weren’t for Corona and winter depression
Summer will soon be over, which is a drama for guys like me. Because fall is always the slide into winter, and winter is called depression because there isn’t enough light to produce endorphins. In addition, it can be assumed that the incidence will continue to rise, that mutations will come and that the halls on the tours will not be full, half the wages at double the costs. Quite apart from the next infection of my own – I didn’t enjoy the first one at all, it took me weeks to get my strength back.
But it does have a few advantages that the hot season is over. Above all, that the grindy event summer in Hamburg is finally ending: Ironman, Schlagermove, World Triathlon Championship, Harley Days, EuroEyes Cyclassics, Mogo, Megamarsch and all the other events are blocking the city center and Sankt Pauli weekend after weekend. Hundreds of thousands of people want to show the world that they’re in it, having fun and enjoying themselves. To prove that, they leave behind an unmistakable trace of joy during the Schlagermove, for example, wherever they dance in pink wigs, in side streets, in house entrances and behind electrical boxes: piss, shit and puke. As a sign for the people of Hamburg and a small but fine gift from the provinces.
Major sporting events are primarily about the desire to cordon off. Guards wearing lattice get into a real barrier frenzy. People who otherwise would not have made it to a lowly post in the security service can now finally, wearing a yellow safety vest, bump into whoever they want, for example people who have the bold idea of being on the street on that day of all days they reside wanting to cross.
I recently hobbled through the Neuer Wall on my way to the doctor in the center of Hamburg with severe back pain. From afar I could see the impenetrable wall of people dividing downtown like a wall of flesh. It was over at the level of the Bleichenbrücke, the fans of some sporting event were standing so closely together that it was impossible to think of progress. Most of the time they waited, because the runners of the event only seldom trickled through this needle’s eye, but when finally a straggler scurried through, the crowd went into ecstasy, there was jeering, whistling and noise-making tools were used. As the runner passed, the collective excitement would dissipate in seconds and the whole bunch would fall into a seconds-long waiting trauma.
I stood behind the claqueurs, my face pinched in pain, wondering how I could get them to let me pass too. I needed it at least as badly as the runners to get to my destination. I also wondered what kind of satisfaction this compliant vow servant might bring to the applauders? How can you stand for hours – crowded close to strangers – on some insignificant street corner and roar eruptively when complete strangers walk by? What is this absurd impulse?
I limped back home cursing and grimacing in pain and damning the idiotic mass events. Why can’t they take place on a field behind Norderstedt? The big Trampelacker from Tangstedt. Tens of thousands could meet there every summer weekend and trample and bawl to themselves like a herd of fattened oxen. This would then no longer need any sporting triggers, just being together in masses, rubbing and bleating could be enough. Bad suggestion, because Hamburg needs the masses. Hamburg is a milking machine. “In the period between 2008 and 2018 the number of overnight stays increased by 88%. In 2018, 7.2 million guests spent 14.5 million nights in Hamburg’s 397 commercial accommodation establishments. The average length of stay was 2 nights.” (Info Hamburg Tourism).
The best proof of the milking character of our city is the speedometer on the Elbe bridges, which asks every stranger who is driving on the Hanseatic city for the first time and is only slightly faster than the speed limit to pay immediately – that is the welcome greeting to the “gateway to the world”.
The only option for the people of Hamburg is to stay at home on the weekends with the curtains drawn and ears blocked. Or to flee the city to the country. Maybe they could live in the homes of all the hicks who are in town for the weekend. That would be a fair deal. You could also leave gifts.
The big Rocko Schamoni Show 22
Our columnist is going on tour with his new album “All Ein”, playing new songs and reading his “Stupidity as a Way” lyrics. Also in Dusseldorf.
Fri 26.08. Barmstedt, cultural cobbler’s shop
Tuesday 30.08. Cologne, Gloria
Wed. 31.08. Dusseldorf, Zakk
Thursday 01.09. Essen, Zeche Carl
Sun. 18.09. Bremen, slaughterhouse
Thursday 22.09. Hanover, Pavilion
Wed. 28.09. Munich, Volkstheater
Thursday 29.09. Vienna, Rabenhof
Sat. 01.10. Hamburg, playhouse
Sat. 15.10. Zurich, cosmos
Sun. 16.10. Stuttgart, Im Witzemann
Fri. 04.11. Göttingen Göttinger, Literaturherbst
Tue. 13.12. Berlin, Festsaal Kreuzberg
Author photo by Kerstin Behrendt