fMaking friendships in adulthood isn’t that simple. This is also confirmed by some studies and research which show that growing up, the greater self-awareness but also one’s own habits tend to make difficult to get involved in new friendships. Not to mention the lack of time and opportunities. However, getting out of your comfort zone is feasible, especially if you start new activities and hobbies.
Friendship, the difficulties in establishing new friendships
A lot of research, studies and surveys have been developed around the subject, also driven by the historical moment experienced. In 2022 theEurostat highlighted a significant figure for Italy: one out of eight Italians feels alone11.9% of Italians have no one to talk to about their problems and 13.2% of the people interviewed, aged 16 and over, say they have no one to ask for help in case of need. Once adults, it is difficult to have a solid friendship network, maintain it and create new relationships. Yet all of this is essential.
«If during childhood and adolescence you have many more opportunities to make new acquaintances, from school to afternoon courses, in addition to the fact that knowing less you adapt more, as adults the situation is different. Greater self-awareness than when you were a child, a greater distrust of others, an introverted personalityor health barriers or personal insecurities of various kinds, such as fear of rejection, they don’t help much to socialize» explains the doctor Maria Zaccagnino, EMDR Psychotherapist and Scientific Director of the EMDR Centers for anorexia and developmental age in Milan.
Why is it difficult to make new friends as an adult?
In confirmation of what Dr. Zaccagnino said, also the scholars of the Health Innovation Research Institute of Melbourne. Australian scholars have in fact highlighted that inevitably as adults a series of conditionings emerge: from one’s personal insecurities, to one’s character, up to daily habits. Added to this are also the fears of being judged, deceived or hurt by the person in front of you who you don’t know.
Not to mention the time factor. Growing up, unfortunately, you have less time and even fewer opportunities to devote to new friendships: «According to a 2018 study, it takes at least 50 hours spent together in close contact to transform an occasional acquaintance into a bland friendship, and at least 200 hours to become “best friends”» explains the expert. And close ties in the workplace are not necessarily friendshipsvery often they are limited to the professional aspect: «Considering therefore the average 8 hours to spend in the office, any family commitments, sporting activity, the effective time to devote to new friendships is very difficult to find».
At the basis of friendship, sharing
The secret to adult friendship is having common interests and something to share. It is no coincidence that new friendships are born above all in the gym or in the swimming pool or during a pottery course. Sharing an interest that turns out to be in common is a excellent starting point and a basis for dialogue and comparison. “Shared experience is the basis of any friendship, which is why we need to pay attention to social media,” explains Dr. Zaccagnino.
«When it seems difficult for us to find the ideal places in which to make new acquaintances and find the right words to approach people, it can happen that we rely on social networks. If it is true that on the one hand they can be a useful channel for maintaining contact with old acquaintances or represent an opportunity to make new ones, more often they become one more reason to feel virtually connected but to see each other less and less and actually be emotionally distant. Even the advent and ‘overbearing’ establishment in our lives of social networks has worsened friendship and knowledge by interfacing with the real person and this means that we have nothing or little to say or share when we meet someone ».
How to make new friends
Let’s start with two basic elements: not all friendships are born as love at first sight. Some need care and attention, like in love. Secondly having interpersonal relationships is essential, especially in adulthood. How to do then? Just sharing.
«Sharing is a fundamental starting point to start cultivating the new relationship. Then you should allow yourself time to get to know the other and make yourself known. Furthermore, intimacy and trust in the relationship grow gradually. Only tell your secrets or innermost thoughts when you’re ready. Reciprocity and equality are fundamental in friendship. You have to be willing to offer something of yourself to enter into a relationship with the other. Establishing a mutual relationship based on trust is only possible if one opens up to others and runs the risk that the other reciprocates with the same energies and the same emotional investment» concludes the expert.
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