Freek and Hella de Jonge deliberately start their film tour on Texel. “Use me to learn how to deal with intense things”

In 1974 their three-month-old son Jork died on Texel of ‘cot death’. In the documentary, an excerpt from the holiday film of the outward journey shows how he is apparently lying in the pram, burning up. ,,An hour later he was gone”, says Hella.

“In this film I show these images for the first time. That is of great beauty. I couldn’t do that before, I didn’t even show them to my son and daughter. I do have a fear of that boat when we go to Texel on Sunday.”

Freek explains: ,,You don’t just pass by. You take that boat consciously and intentionally. As a result, the shocking past comes back.”

Tomb on Texel

,,Jork was buried on Texel, that’s what Freek wanted”, says Hella. “We went there one more time. Then I was very confused; we were in the wrong cemetery. The tomb has now been cleared. Maybe I’ll take the painting I made of Jork with me on Sunday. Painting him has made it even more beautiful, you see how beautiful death is. I take it as a positive.”

Freek: ,,It is not the intention of that child to make you sad for the rest of your life.”

But how do you overcome such great sorrow? ,,With trial and error”, Hella replies. ,,I have had to make very strong decisions in my life.” One of them was to temporarily break off contact with her parents.

Eli Asser

Her Jewish father Eli Asser, known as a (script) writer, and mother Eva Croiset, descendant of the theater family, came badly damaged from the war and were so overwhelmed by their grief that they psychologically abused their daughter. Telling is the reaction of Hella’s mother to Jork’s death: “One baby is not in proportion to all those people who died in the war.”

,,But loving your parents remains”, says Hella. ,,In 2013 I made the film ‘Don’t lose courage’ with my father. Then he told what he had never been able to talk about before. That was healing. What do you need to do to forgive? You have to become wise about it. When I made that film with my father I was 64 years old. I don’t blame them anymore, because they couldn’t do anything else.”

And how do you come to terms with the loss of your child? “That is a choice. Don’t play the victim role. Make the most of it. I was young, 24 years old, and I didn’t know what death was. Knowing that is part of life. My parents were unable to make that step. That’s why I felt so good in my youth at home with my school friend Vera van Os, her parents could do that. And her mother had survived Auschwitz.”

Later, Freek and Hella lost their 7-year-old granddaughter Maggie, who died of a congenital heart ailment. Hella: ,,With Jork it was all or nothing for our relationship, but he kept us together. We also had a lot of fun with Maggie, despite her disability. We were able to help each other in grief, we are proud of each other.” Freek: ,,In this society you are obliged to mourn. But you have to be patient to get together.”

Answer public questions

Not everything that passes by in the film is explained; as a viewer you also have to work yourself to place the fragments. “You can’t explain everything in 80 minutes,” says Hella. “Perhaps that is why we answer questions from the audience at the end of each performance. We want to make contact and encourage it: you can do something with it. Use me to learn how to deal with tough things.”

“My advice is not to sit in a corner. That was also the reason why I said yes when Freek wanted to make this film to give my story a stage: if you have long covid like me and really can’t do anything anymore: grab yourself together and see what you can still do.

In the film, Hella says she was inspired by the diary of Etty Hillesum, who died in Auschwitz, and by the Jewish psychologist Edith Eger, who survived Auschwitz as a girl and wrote the book ‘The Choice; Living in freedom’ wrote. “Books have taught me life. I still read a lot. Especially inspiring women”, says the artist.

She emphasizes that her life is not only characterized by sadness, but also by pleasure and decisions. “Fortunately I stepped out of that sadness. That was done with violent blows, for example by not eating as a protest against the way my parents treated me.”

Anorexia

Hella developed anorexia and eventually weighed only 38 kilograms. How did she overcome that disease? ,,By Vera, who showed me how you can live too. That’s why I want to show all those paintings, because I want to live. And because of my resilience and enthusiasm. My originality, not letting myself be brushed away. Later also thanks to Jork; because of him I became who I am and maybe I can help people.”

Freek: ,,Hella has enormous resilience and energy, and is always willing to work for it. That is why she has been able to make so much as an artist. Hella has revealed herself to me. I’ve gotten to know her over the years. We are not stuck in desire. I have discovered love and it seems to be binding.”

As a young woman, Hella laid the foundations for this. “I deliberately stopped my career as an actress for Freek. I spent five months in Carré. But I thought: if he’s in Tilburg and I’m in Groningen, then it’s done. And I loved him, I wanted to stay with him.” To Freek: ,,I thought you were better than myself. Women’s careers in the artist field are less well defined and I didn’t have the ambition that Freek did. I was still at the Rietveld Academy and luckily I still had all those other options.”

“This movie is beyond my expectations. Freek’s and mine’s expertise have led to a richer product. We show how we work together. This is how art is created.”