Fledgling: how the child can successfully move out of home

From BZ/dpa

In Germany, daughters are a little earlier with an average age of 23.0 years than sons with 24.5 years, the statistics break down. Elisabeth Raffauf, a qualified psychologist and author, is of the opinion: “Children should definitely get out at the age of twenty.” After puberty, the phase of separation, is a good time to lead your own life.

Finding your own way is better done elsewhere

“The young adults have to look for and find their way and that works much better when they no longer live at home,” says the psychologist. At home they would say, “Mom, I know you care anyway,” but somewhere else they would have to do it themselves.

Right from the start, education focuses on independence, today more than ever, says orientation coach Katja von Glinowecki. As a rule, children leave home when their first education, which is often when they go to school, is complete. It happens by itself, for example, when young people are accepted for a university place in another city.

So the topic does not fall out of the blue completely unexpectedly. Nevertheless, it can be a special moment to broach it concretely. “Children can address this much more easily when they know: their parents want me to make my own way, but at the same time I can come at any time if something is difficult,” says Elisabeth Raffauf, describing the good conditions.

Discuss financial aspects in advance

“The catch is often the financial aspect,” says coach Katja von Glinowiecki. “Can I afford to move out? Where does the rent come from? It’s good when such things have always been openly discussed in the family.” This means that the awareness of what things cost and what one can and wants to afford gradually grows in everyday life. Then it will be easier to go through all the options together.

Because regardless of whether you want to live in a flat share or your own apartment, the parents are often involved in the financing. “It should be about two questions: What do you need? What can we do?” says Elisabeth Raffauf. If the parents have a lot of money, you can change the second question into: What do we think is right? “If the parents blindly pay for everything, the children don’t really learn to be independent.”

Parents who are able to do this and who like to plan ahead may have already put some money aside with a view to moving out. Or the offspring themselves have saved something with jobs. One thing is comforting, and not only in terms of finances: moving out is a process. From the first plan to implementation, time passes, in which things can be explored, clarified and decided.

Allow young people to think for themselves, involve third parties

“If parents allow their children to think along in this process, my experience is that conflict situations do not have to arise,” says orientation coach von Glinowiecki. “It’s important to take a neutral look at it from both sides,” she says. “It helps to have a third person with you during a conversation, it can also be someone from the family or a friend.”

Talking openly and honestly is also the be-all and end-all when it comes to furnishing your own shared room or small apartment. Parents have to accept if the child doesn’t want Aunt Trude’s discarded table in the kitchen.

The young adults, on the other hand, should appreciate offers from family and friends, but also rely on their own taste. “There are two things you can do: On the one hand, say thank you for the offer and at the same time know for yourself: Do I want that or don’t I like it at all?” says psychologist Raffauf.

At some point the time has come: the child is out of the nest. “Letting go is usually more difficult for the parents than for the child,” says Katja von Glinowiecki. You can also admit that to yourself. “Many parents are somehow sad and happy at the same time,” observes Elisabeth Raffauf. “This ambivalence is normal.” A phase of life comes to an end, but something new begins – not only for the child, but also parents can fill the resulting free space anew.

Help is rejected? sign of independence

How the coexistence of parents and offspring develops depends on many factors: Do the son or daughter still live in the same city? How much do you still want help from mom and dad?

Elisabeth Raffauf remembers that she offered her son to continue washing his bed linen. “It was probably my wish to be able to do something else for him,” she laughs. “Oh mom, let’s go,” he replied. Ultimately, she was happy about his independence. It’s important to be able to talk about something like that.

If children find it easy to move out, they believe parents should know one thing: “This is confirmation that they have done a lot right. Because children can walk well if the bond is good and they know: I can come home at any time, but my parents are also happy when I’m fine without them.”