“On my forehead was a stamp: Difficult child. Only since last March have I known why I developed differently from other children. A history of fifteen years preceded this.
“I have been treated endlessly by all kinds of psychologists and pedagogues. I was once diagnosed with ADD: concentration disorder. I got medicine for it. They didn’t help me. So I stopped with that. So what was going on?
“Finally, last March, I received the diagnosis that does help me: autism. Now I get the right treatment. It’s only since this spring that I’ve started to understand how I’m put together. I’m doing so much better now than it ever was.
“There is a big difference between autism in boys and girls. This is far too little known to parents, teachers and social workers. That’s why I’m telling this story here now. It is so important for the future of girls with autism that they receive the correct diagnosis and treatment as early as possible.
“Most boys with autism are inward looking. They are strongly focused on things: on trains, for example, or on gaming with their phone.
“Girls are much better at hiding their autism than boys. They compensate by mimicking the behavior of other girls. That can cause a lot of frustration, because you are different from others. I have trouble with humour, just to name a few. Is someone saying something in jest, or is it serious? It’s hard for me to make that distinction. This can lead to all kinds of misunderstandings. It is also exhausting to constantly watch the behavior of girls around you.
“I grew up with the feeling that I always had to walk on my toes, at home and at school. Planning and clarity are very important to me. For example, if my parents said: we’re going shopping in the city, then we didn’t suddenly have to take a turn to go for a walk in the woods. Such an unexpected change evokes a very strong reaction in me. That makes me either very quiet and gloomy, or very stressed and hyperactive.
“The corona time was really terrible for me. Lessons were taught online only. They often fell through at the last minute. I missed structure. We sat on each other’s lips at home. That created a lot of tension – quarrels, misunderstandings, not understanding each other.
“The positive side of this is that in the end it has been properly investigated where my problems come from. The diagnosis of autism came as a relief in a way. Finally I got recognition for how I’m put together. At the same time, I was also angry. Primary school, pre-vocational secondary education, secondary vocational education: how many teachers have I had, how many social workers have I been dragged past? And no one ever realized what was really wrong with me!
“I was unfocused. I had a short fuse. I had to behave better, adjust myself, try harder. But how?
“I have been talking to a psychologist once a week for six months now. Recently, sessions with a psycho-motor therapist have been added, in a gymnasium. Just talking about my feelings didn’t help me enough. I also get physical training now. I have to jump off a cupboard, moving the mat further and further away. This is how I learn to indicate my limits. What happens to my heart rate when I feel tension building up? Can I recognize that in time? How do I relax myself then?
“I am now almost done with my secondary education. Much better than before the diagnosis, I now know what to look for when choosing an HBO study. I’m hesitating between ICT and commercial economics. With both you have a strict study program: you really get lesson-lesson.
“For the first time I can make choices that I think: this suits me. That gives me self-confidence, which I have never felt so clearly before.”
A version of this article also appeared in the newspaper of November 29, 2022