Every year I get asked by readers how to survive Christmas. How to deal with pawing mothers-in-law, how to settle arguments about Geert Wilders, what to do with uncles who drink themselves into a coma.
Of course I always answer well, you know me. But this year I thought: let’s be honest. And you point out the great truths that have been shining in our faces for twenty years, namely the life lessons from the great Christmas films that millions of people watch every year, but which you apparently do nothing with.
I would say: take a good look at them all again this year, and finally start living by them. It makes the people in the movies terribly happy, so why not us? Well then. They come.
And start an affair! Sure, you will be transferred to another department, you have to resign or he will dump you. But eventually another handsome man will present himself, or you will have a relationship and you can wait for him at the airport when he returns from important work abroad! Win win.
2.Please note: this only works if your boss is single.
If he is married, you do get one expensive, gold pendant in the shape of a heart that is beautifully wrappedbut eventually he goes back to his family and you are alone again at Christmas.
3.Go work in the porn industry!
How we didn’t think of that before! In that sector, if you believe a popular Christmas film, you will find the best candidates for a serious love affair. Yes! It’s something awkward around each other naked before you even start dating, but that makes it all the more adorable when he takes the plunge and asks you out on the first date. Big hearts!
4.Constantly act as unprofessionally as possible at work.
So flirt with your boss (see 1), grab the karaoke microphone at the Christmas drinks while drunk with a cigarette in your hand, ruin your speech at a prestigious reception with prominent guests, spend all day calling your friends about relationship problems, and occasionally arrive late with a huge hangover. Success assured.
5. Put it on a binge.
If there is one thing that hangs like a large, brightly lit beacon above the major Christmas films, it is the relentless consumption of alcohol by the main characters. Cocktails, wine, shots – it all goes in buckets at a time. Of course, take a taxi and stumble in front of your door, shit, with your face in the snow. Beautiful.
6. Fall in love with your best friend’s wife.
And ring the bell there on Christmas Eve, preferably just after their wedding. Bring a radio and text signs and declare your love to her. Now she will never be able to forget how you feel about her and never tell your best friend – super smart! After all, it’s not about the other person, it’s about you at Christmas!
This makes them independent, it brings the family closer together and they appreciate you more when you return. They can also do more than you think!
Then your friends will be endeared by your clumsiness. And can your new boyfriend save you.
9.And let yourself be saved at Christmas, ladies!
By a man, of course. Preferably such a tough straight man, with muscles in a white shirt where you can clearly see the blood spatter. When you ruined your Christmas dinner, when your boss ditched you for a hot colleague from the New York branch, when you were held hostage at the Christmas party, when you needed a scoop in your new job, when the US Secretary of State bothers you: don’t be afraid: a CAPABLE MAN comes to your rescue!
10. Live big!
And especially in public! So ring doorbells at random houses to find your love, make marriage proposals in crowded restaurantsrunning through airports with the police chasing you to say goodbye to your loved one, kissing in the middle of the stage in front of a packed audience during a school musicaland beg, of course dressed only in underpants and a long vest (and in the middle of the street), your loved one to take you back. Muddle through quietly again in January.
11. But of course the most important advice that the Christmas films give us is: immerse yourself in it ALL THE WAY!
Join! So grab that terrible Christmas by the horns and surrender to it wholeheartedly. Enjoy the lights, and above all shine yourself. It is never so visible and so welcome as during the deepest darkness. Don’t let anything fool you.
If you look around you carefully, is love, actually, everywhere.
Reading list