Land images on TV, the voices on the radio, the speeches of adults in the park: coming into contact with information about the conflict in Ukraine is inevitable, even when you are young. Explain the war to children without alarming them but allowing them to understand something it is therefore a task that every parent must perceive as of primary importance.
Don’t say “Be quiet” if your voice is shaking
«Consider that children catch even when they seem distracted. Maybe not the words, or not all of them, but the tone of the voice and all the non-verbal elements of communication they touch them », explains Milena Spera, psychotherapist, specialist in life cycle psychology, hypnotherapist.
Milena Spera, Psychotherapist Specialist in Life Cycle Psychology – Hypnotherapist.
This is true, first of all, “for what a parent says and does not say: if he says “don’t worry” but his voice and gestures show anxiety, the child understands anxiety. Indeed, even worse. Besides the anxiety, she understands that the parent is not consistent ». Verbal and non-verbal must match if we try to explain war to children but in general when we address them.
Never alone in front of the TV
But the concept also applies to reporting on the war in Ukraine. “Children, even if they have already come into contact with violence through films and video games, feel the particular climate that is on TV and radio these days and they sense its gravity, that they are old enough to understand words. or not, ”explains the expert. Because of this it is important that they are not immersed in a continuous flow of information but that, if they are in front of the TV, there is always an adult with them to help them interpret.
For the little ones, the “game” of war
Each age, of course, has its limits. But the advice to create a space and a time for reflection applies to everyone: a moment in which to stimulate children with questions and wait for theirs. In the case of the little ones this space can be playful: drawings, storybooks but also games can help explain the war to children. “For example, and it is a tool widely used in psychotherapy, we can stage a story in which their puppets or toy cars are the protagonists, a story in which we argue and try to make peace, of course.”
Create a space to talk about it, always open
For older children you can try to give an explanation, as simple as possible, of what is happening, always in terms of quarrel, anger, desire for defense, referring to episodes they experienced (“Do you remember that time when … You were angry but then the teacher came and made you make peace”). Ask the child what he thinks about what he has heard, from you or from others. AND if he doesn’t answer you, it doesn’t matter, he’ll know he can tell you or ask you questions when he feels the urge or the need.
Books that help explain war to children
Books can be very useful, starting from 3/4 years. Like those suggested by Giulia Giordano, kindergarten teacherwho curates the blog “Winged Tree“, Dedicated to educational and reading proposals for children and teenagers.
For the 3-6 year range
– Elzbieta, Flon Flon and musettaAER (2004)
– E. Battut, WarOpen City (2004)
– M. Terzagli and M. Zurcher, Ina, the ant of the alphabetAER (2001)
Range 6-9 years
– G. Rodari, The war of the bellsEL (2004)
– Claude K. Dubois, Akim runsBabalibri (2014)
– P. Van Hest, ill. Aron Dijkstra, Imagine … the warClavis (2017)
Range 9-12 years
– M. Morpurgo, ill. M. Lafirenza, I believe in unicornsRizzoli (2010)
– D. Calì and B. Serge, The enemy. A fable against the warMiddle lands (2015)
– J. Teller, ill. HV Jensen, Imagine you are at warFeltrinelli (2014)
What can we do
“Tackling issues such as war and peace can be the occasion for an important educational moment”, continues the psychotherapist: “It means working on topics such as compassion and closeness”. It can be useful and nice to get the idea that even he, the child, in his own small way can do something and invite him to a practical gesture: a drawing, a sign to bring to the demonstration, a bag of clothes or games to give to refugees of the same age.
You are scared? You’re right
Another fundamental advice, on this as on all occasions: «Always validate the emotions of children: anger, fear, sadness. Let him understand that his emotion has a sense, that it is normal, that you understand it and, indeed, take the opportunity to communicate, possibly, that you too feel the same emotion.“. A little trick for very worried moms who have a hard time keeping it from leaking out: admit it but find a twist of hope to the gloomy feeling. «I suggest that if one of the parents is more anxious, let the other explain the war to the children: it is important to help them interpret what they feel but minimizing the amount of distress. Try to convey your presence, always at their side ».
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