“TOEverything will be fine» recited the banners hanging from the balconies during the Covid as a mantra. «It’s gonna be allright, I promise» («Everything will be fine, I promise») is the phrase that never fails in American films. The message is clear: just think positive and the world will magically change, as in a self-fulfilling prophecy. Positive thinking is essential to be happy: manuals, courses and gurus remember it relentlessly.
Optimism always
«Today, happiness and positivity have become both a goal and an obligation» writes the American psychotherapist Whitney Goodman in the essay, published in Italy by Tea, toxic positivity. How to free yourself from the dictatorship of positive thinking, recognize your emotions and feel better. We are repeatedly told that we need to feel gratitude or be more positive. What if something bad happens? Is it our fault, our wrong mental attitude or because we didn’t try hard enough to make things go right?
This excess of positivity, according to Goodman, is ubiquitous, from workplaces to interpersonal relationships. Looking at life perpetually through a pair of pink glasses can turn into a boomerang that backfires on us.
Does always thinking positive help you feel better? (Getty Images)
A defense mechanism
Is being optimistic a bad thing? Absolutely not. A healthy dose of optimism is even good for your health. According to some research, optimists have a longer life expectancy than pessimists, because a non-negative view of life also affects the immune system. They have healthy lifestyle habits, feel more well-being and feel more satisfied with their existence. In short, it is always preferable to see the glass half full and not half empty. As long as you don’t overfill it.
«Excessive optimism is a defensive mechanism to keep negative emotions away» comments Nicoletta Suppa, psychologist, psychotherapist and psychosexologist in Rome. «For example, pain, the fear of suffering. And the sense of failure: in this society that asks us to always be efficient, everything must necessarily go well. Also in the relational sphere: a smile is a must, conflicts are avoided”. You try never to appear sad or depressed, you keep everything inside. «Appearing successful serves to hide the fear of not being accepted. Even in the world of work. Anyone who complains shows his fragility ». Social media presents us with a world where everyone is smiling and happy, where they place themselves on a pedestal to be recognised, looked at and admired. Being slow, sad, tired is against the tide. Numerous video conferences reaffirm how important it is to be optimistic.
“We wear the mask of a smile to avoid feeling bad,” adds the psychologist. “This always telling us that ‘everything is fine’ can be aimed at others or, even worse, even at ourselves so as not to allow us to get in touch with negative emotions”. Yet, experiencing pain is fundamental in life. “Man is a pupil, and pain is his teacher,” repeated Gandhi. Toxic positivity precludes this experience.“He traps us in a life of make-believe until we can’t take it anymore,” writes Goodman. Suppa points out: «Pain is one of the most powerful elements for the transformation of the person. If you accept it, sharing it and talking about it, it leads to seeing yourself with new eyes. And after going through a negative phase, our self-esteem comes out strengthened. We discover that we are resilient».
The society of the sovereign self
“I don’t understand why I’m still anxious. I have a job that I quite like, a stable relationship and even two rabbits». In an article, the English journalist Laurie Penny quotes the words of one of her friends in crisis. Being stressed is the contemporary human condition. And how could it be otherwise? Penny says that her friend has a badly paid job that she could lose at any moment, that she went hungry to pay for college working two jobs, and that it took her a long time to recover Health. She has every right to be stressed. Or not?
Optimism, the era of performance
«We live in a society of performance and of the sovereign self. We are called to produce, even ourselves, to ensure that the world around us is the best for us. You have to live up to the required performance standards at all times. And if we don’t succeed, it’s our fault» comments Marco Rovelli, writer, essayist, songwriter and author of the book I suffer therefore we are. Mental distress in the society of individuals published by Minimum Fax. Rovelli is also a professor of history and philosophy in a high school: from his privileged observatory, he sees the consequences that increasingly exaggerated competition has on children.
From infancy, the child is a little king, overburdened with activity, denied the experience of frustration. It must be surrounded by positivity and happy moments.Failure must be kept away». In a constant crescendo of expectations, we ask our children to always be the best. “In the world of sport – which is an important educational and relational experience – what matters is only being the champion,” she adds. «And even when a goal is reached, the bar is raised immediately». It’s a distorted view: normality is not a world of just champions.
The need to share
Then when young people knock on the doors of the world of work, the logic is the same: in our neoliberal society we need to be performing, we are evaluated only on the basis of results, judgment is continuous and failure, combined with a sense of shame, is always lurking. For those who can’t make it, the next step is collapse and psychic discomfort. In his book, Marco Rovelli talks about anorexia, panic attacks, isolation from the world that afflict many young people, but also adults.
«The exasperation of “everything is fine”, denying negative emotions» comments Suppa. «On the body level it brings ulcers, gastritis, dermatitis, cardiovascular pathologies and sexual problems». According to Rovelli, «Young people know that it is necessary to start over from one’s weaknesses and claim the right to fail. They feel the need to expose suffering and put it in common, so that it becomes a lever for transformation, for understanding themselves. It’s not just an individual fact, it’s a political factor.”
In a world that exalts an individualism that often leads to solitude, the need to be people and not separate entities re-emerges. To restore the value of human relationships. At the opposite extreme of extreme positivity, there is the cosmic pessimist. Seeing everything black is just as toxic as excess optimism. «In our culture it also has a superstitious value: if you think it will go badly, then you rejoice if the opposite happens. And, if the negative prediction comes true, the pessimist suffers less because he had taken it into account »comments Suppa. “And this too is a defensive attitude.”
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