“Until a few years ago I lived largely as my parents had taught me: with an enormous sense of responsibility for everything and everyone around me. But many things I did on autopilot, or on sheer willpower. To the outside world, I had everything well organized; nice house, nice man, a good job as executive secretary. I was always optimistic and cheerful. Complaining was not for me and certainly not for disappointing anyone. So you never heard me say no. Until I suffered a partial spinal cord injury in 2015.
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I had gone too long with a neck hernia. As with many things, I went beyond my own limits under the motto: don’t complain, but bear it. As a result, that hernia has grown to such an extent that my neck nerves were damaged. Until then, I laughed my way through everything, so no one took me seriously. I didn’t even take myself seriously! But now I really had to choose for myself and my health.
I decided to start living the way I wanted to and followed various coaching workshops and training courses. As a result, I changed visibly: I finally dared to set my limits. That also meant that I had to disappoint people who were used to me going along with everything.
Selfish
My resolve to stop living up to other people’s expectations didn’t always go well. I stopped going to a birthday party if I didn’t feel like it, and said I couldn’t take care of someone because I didn’t have the emotional bandwidth myself. For the first time, I put myself first. That cost me friendships. I was accused of being selfish, or ending a relationship because I didn’t put any more energy into it.
Strangely enough, that didn’t hurt. I was only mad at myself for not seeing all these years that such a friendship had to come largely from my side. Now I think: those people were never worth it. But it has also brought me new friendships. I always wore a mask, now I am myself. That way I attract people who match the person I really am.”
This article appears in the new VROUW Magazine (every Saturday at De Telegraaf). As a premium member you can also read it online (sometimes earlier).