cara Esther,
I’m writing to you because I’m worried and even if everyone tells me I have to stay calm, I can’t.
I’m 33 years old and until about 28 I never had the desire to get engaged: apparently I was so well that I didn’t feel the need to, and even now I don’t perceive it as a fundamental necessity (although it would be pleasant to have a partner who unlike her friends, she can’t simply pat me for the unexpected on duty), but I hear that famous clock that – more or less – ticks loudly and tells me “do you really want to become a forty-year-old single?”
I’ve studied, I’m told I’m good looking and I like myself, I have my dream job even if it’s a complex field… so I could really enjoy life just by engaging in the activities I love, and most of the time I do I do.
But at alternate moments I continue to torment myself, because not only is there no trace of great cinematographic love, but not even (pass me the definition agée) of the notorious “good matches”, understood as “pleasant and reliable men, who are not runaways home”.
Right now I would just like to find a man of my age (or a slightly older man, it wouldn’t be a problem) with charm that makes my heart beat faster and emotionally available for a serious relationship, neither more nor less than this: a Peppe close to my tastes that she is not the princess of the couple, unlike many boys (because they are boys, especially crazy) that I know. But there’s no way.
All my friends don’t attend such people even by mistake, when I happen to follow courses and the like of my interest the infamous “nothing ever happens” pops up (read: we are almost all females and the few males for one reason or another ‘other can not be taken into account). Social media not only repels me, but I know very well that I would never find men of that type there anyway (or maybe yes, but certainly not interested in serious stories or with the patience to wait the time I would require – it would not be negotiable – to get to know each other before considering intimacy).
I literally don’t know what to do. My family and older friends all say to stay calm, don’t worry and let life go the way it wants, because “it will come when you least expect it”. Here, however, time passes and guess what? No one comes at all, not even when I’m actually thinking about something else, which I would say 80% of the time at least.
On the other hand I see the 35 galloping towards me and above all, in the distance but not far enough, the future double digit starting with 4. At the same time I can’t manage to bond with guys with whom having an interesting conversation is almost impossible or even more or less interesting but that don’t attract me in the slightest… or rather the two categories of male acquaintances I most commonly run into, when by a stroke of luck friends of friends introduce me to someone new.
How do you get out of such a quagmire?
m.
Dear M,
There are those who lie down on the bank of the stream and wait for great love as the enemy expects and are sad if after years that doesn’t pass, because he has better things to do.
Those who after a sensational series of bangs say to each other: that’s enough, I want to be alone and yet instead they hope that someone better than the others will arrive, only they won’t arrive.
There are those who have to decide the case, you can’t force it, so they leave everything to chance, and they discover that the case really cares a lot about how happy you are.
Generally the best are always those of the others. The article busy person always starts commercially with a discreet advantage because if others have taken them, it means that they are worth the desirability they promise. The old women of the village suggest getting engaged, to make someone fall in love with you.
Here, however, we need to start even further away, we need to see where the question is at home. You have to tell me.
The expectations? I-want-to-fall-in-love-as-I-say-and-don’t-consider-alternatives? I understand you. You’re even right, but it can be a matter of decades, resign yourself to the time it takes. You have to go out every night, you have to have a fiery phone book and drain the dating apps, at the very least, to muster up the user base large enough to bring us the perfect combination. Like multinationals with twenty HR teams and interviews with hundreds of people that last six months with 5 difficulty levels.
I understood that you don’t like the first fool that passes. You still want Peppe tailored. I’m on your side. And I’ll tell you how the best I know in the art of harpoon fishing did it. To find the one that’s really, really right and made especially for us, you need motivation, M.. You need to be a moderately unforgettable company to guarantee presence and knowledge everywhere, you need energy and you need a revolving and very well-oiled life between friends, travel, invitations at dinner, parties, coffee. Method. And I don’t see any here, or you wouldn’t be writing to me.
The problem may be the province. Which is beautiful but we are always the same, we are few. Either you fall in love with those who pass the convent or goodbye.
The problem may be that you still haven’t finished the sticker album of love injustices. Do you remember the best ones, those high school friends who seemed to have already been born – it was the 90s – under the star “dodging the guys who smell like Sauvage, sticking to those who treat you well”? The ones we thought were crazy for sticking to nice guys? We were the crazy ones, making us ignore by the pooch on duty.
What do you want, M.? Break your bones and what happens happens? Being moderately in love but with a time-limited master plan to have a family and go to a pizzeria with friends who also have offspring and therefore have the social quality of a person who has done his genetic duty? Do you just want to just be happy and still don’t know how? Do you want to not be alone anymore and that’s it? Are you satisfied with a little?
You know those flashes of intelligence that if you’re lucky at a certain age they pull you out of the ditch? Here is one, it belongs to everyone’s life and I’m trying to cut it for you with an ax and make it a pocket truth, a silly operation but one that has its own effectiveness: waiting is not something you do sitting down.
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