Everything that lives dies. This may sound oppressive, but it is no different. And turn it around. There is really only one way not to die. That is: not living. It is not without reason that this quote from the Lebanese-American writer Kahlil Gibran (1883-1931) is often heard at funerals: ‘When you are sad, look again into your heart and see that you are crying for what gave you joy.’ Life and death are simply not available separately.
About 170,000 people die in the Netherlands every year. (About 10,000 more in the three Covid years.) Converted: for every thousand people, about ten die in this country every year. One in a hundred.
Seen numerically, that’s not too bad. (Apart from the emotional blow when life ends due to an accident or violence.) Bear in mind that dying is by definition a strongly age-related activity. In a group of a hundred Dutch people under the age of sixty, the mortality rate is only one number after the decimal point.
Speaking purely for myself, I say: I am not afraid of dying. Yes, that’s easy to say. There are, thankfully, no indications that my days are numbered. I realize that this flippant attitude says nothing about my future state of mind once the man with the scythe shows up on my doorstep.
There is an earthly sobriety in me, which I must have inherited from my grandmother (on my father’s side). She didn’t like sad stories, and certainly not hospital talk. When someone interviewed her in detail about his medical file, she listened patiently, ending the subject with the firm conclusion: “Oh well, you have to die of something…” Discussions about burial or cremation, or texts on funeral cards, went on. systematically avoids them: “That will take care of itself once the time comes. They really have never had anyone stand in a box above the ground.” I don’t agree with her on that last point. Then I prefer to listen to the American coach and writer Stephen Covey (1932-2012), who coined ‘Be proactive’ as the first of seven qualities of ‘highly effective people’.
Dedicated to Grandma and Covey, here are my own seven tips for allowing death to come to life with some gentleness.
1 Just deal with death
The end of life is difficult to swallow for one reason: it tears loved ones apart. If all goes well, relatives will miss you terribly. Their grief can be alleviated during life by not avoiding conversations about it. This increases the chances that you will live on in warm memories after your death, so that no dark cloud will hang over your life and death that encourages deadly silence.
2 Do not fear suffering
Because either you place your fate in the hands of a supreme being, who has a divine plan in store for you. Or you rely on the high-quality care in the Netherlands, which is aimed at a relatively gentle death, thanks to palliative sedation and euthanasia. Spiritual inspiration and dedication to medical treatment are by no means mutually exclusive.
3 Live as much as possible without outstanding ‘bills’
Yes, in quotes, because that is meant both literally and figuratively. Leaving a financial mess isn’t fun for anyone anyway. There is also a lot to be said for settling disputes and releasing grudges in a timely manner. A deathbed is so much nicer when all disagreements with fellow human beings have been forgiven and forgotten.
4 Don’t make a script for your funeral
Who would you please with that? You won’t get anything from it yourself. For your relatives, the grieving process starts with devising and discussing an appropriate farewell ceremony. They choose the speakers, music and rituals that can comfort them. Let them act on your mind, not on your orders.
5 Form a reading club
Then read and discuss books that search for meaning. Because really, from a purely biological point of view, a human life is worth as much as that of a whale or a honey bee. A big difference is that people are linguistic beings who can express their emotions in complex reasoning. The same applies to the meaning of life and death. Therefore, please put the book down The art of aging. The great philosophers on old age on the reading club list (Joep Dohmen and Jan Baars, eds., 2010). It is cathartic to read what fifty great thinkers have thought and written about the transience of life.
6 Watch the movie On Golden Pondfrom 1981
Although it is sugary sweet, very American, but with beautiful roles by Katharine Hepburn, Henry Fonda and Jane Fonda. The film, which takes place in and around a wooden holiday home on a lake, is about binding and letting go, in three generations. See for yourself and let the tears of emotion flow uninhibited. What a relief.
7 Make sure your affairs are in order
If there is material property to be divided, a will can be helpful. A list of passwords for digital access to devices and websites is not an unnecessary luxury. One folder, ‘in the cloud’, containing all your important documents: handy!
And finally, a recommendation, especially for people over the state pension age: clean up your mess in advance. It is so much more practical, and more fun, to give away your papers and knick-knacks, your heirlooms and other showpieces while you are still alive (‘with a warm hand’), or otherwise throw them away, than to have to keep all your belongings and carvings after your life. death like a millstone around the neck of your relatives.
Complete the circle. Die as you were born, free from guilt and penance.