Reward good behavior, ignore negative behavior. Positive parenting is what parents often try. But that doesn’t mean a child can do anything. How do you correct a child who goes over the line? In the Raised section, Annemiek Leclaire submitted numerous reader questions on this subject to parenting experts. We selected eight relevant questions for this guide.
1 Is the time-out useful as punishment?
A grandfather writes about his 3-year-old granddaughter, who always gets a time-out from her parents when she has done something naughty. Then she has to sit in the hall on the stairs and be quiet for three minutes. If she does get up, she gets an extra minute. On the advice of her parents, grandpa has now also purchased a ‘time-out chair’ for the hallway. But is such a punishment really necessary, he wonders. “We never did it that way with our son at the time. Isn’t she old enough now to talk about it together?”
This child psychologist says: Ignoring the child does not help, but staying connected does
2 Can I take away my teenager’s cell phone as punishment?
What should you do as a parent with teenagers who do not adhere to the agreements? A mother no longer knows. She has an agreement with her 16-year-old daughter that if she goes out, she must be home by 1 a.m. But time and time again she does not adhere to this. “I think it is good to take away her phone for a while as punishment, because that really hurts her,” the mother writes. But her husband does not agree to deprive their daughter of her social contacts. Is he right? And if so, what is an adequate corrective measure?
Parenting experts say: interference in the private lives of adolescents is complicated
3How do I discipline my sensitive teen?
My 19-year-old son always reacts very strongly when he is corrected, writes a mother. He becomes angry and upset and takes it out on his brother. Moreover, he turns the facts around. “He will never look for the reason for my anger in his own behavior, he will never say: ‘Sorry mom’.” How do you punish a child who is so sensitive?
The experts are clear: Punishment is not the solution here
4Is a corrective tap a good idea?
Isn’t a corrective slap also sometimes valuable in raising a child, wonders a father who used to receive an occasional spank himself when verbal warning did not help. Against his buttocks, or even in his face. “Then I was shocked and stopped. I think sometimes it was really necessary, I was very busy before.” Nowadays this is no longer accepted, but at the same time today’s children are more spoiled and less disciplined, he sees. Hasn’t education become too soft?
Experts say: hitting is always pointless and humiliating
5How do you limit an adolescent with autism?
A child with an autism spectrum disorder often requires a different upbringing than children without autism. A mother struggles with how to correct her 14-year-old son. “Where is the dividing line between giving him time and space and seeing him for who he is, and calling him out on unacceptable behavior from a teenager in puberty? And how do I take who he is into account when setting boundaries? He can quickly become overwhelmed and overstimulated.”
Read here parenting tips for parents with children with an autism spectrum disorder
6How do you teach children boundaries?
Being able to set boundaries is a basic skill that children can benefit from for the rest of their lives, but how do we teach them that? A mother of two boys, aged 4 and 6, would like to teach her children that they must remain friendly and respectful in different situations, but also that they can stand up for themselves. Her eldest is strict about what he wants towards his friends, while the youngest is easily walked over. How do you adjust this as a parent?
A clinical psychologist advises: a sport can help with this
7Can you point out mistakes to a child?
A father and a mother disagree: if a child is reading out loud, can you correct it, or is that something for school and should reading at home simply be ‘fun’? Nowadays, delicate children’s souls are no longer allowed to hear anything confrontational, writes the father. Of course, you shouldn’t always point out every mistake, but a child can get better at something by being corrected, he believes. What is the right approach?
This is what educational philosopher Stijn Sieckelinck thinks: If you don’t point out mistakes, you deprive your child of the opportunity to learn something
8If you raise a child with rewards, aren’t you training a “take it for granted” mentality?
Toilet training, unlearning the pacifier, sleeping through the night in your own bed and listening after one warning: a mother of a son (7) and daughter (5) works at home with a sticker chart. Good behavior is rewarded with a sticker, and when the card is full, a small gift such as Donald Duck or pancakes follows. This works well for her family, but she now notices that her son starts negotiating when she and her husband ask things of him. “If I do this, will I get a present?” Is such a sticker card a good idea or is it bad for children if you always respond to extrinsic motivation?
The advice of the educators: stop with the sticker chart