Do children process grief well?

Mother: “How do you know if children process grief well? We have lost several very dear relatives in recent years, including grandmother. My three children, aged nine to fifteen, move on quite quickly. I notice that they think less about loss than we do. How do I know if it’s okay or if they’re avoiding it? What I also notice is that they sometimes find it difficult to bring it up, because they are afraid that their father and I will be sad again. How do we prevent the children from hiding their grief so as not to upset us?”

Show emotions

Tamara Luijer“Dealing with grief is very personal. That also applies to children. One child processes grief through play, another through asking many questions, a third through sports.

“Children need to feel that there is room to talk or show sadness when they need to. But they won’t know until you do too. If parents hide their own emotions, children may think that this is the ‘norm’. Instead, show that sadness is a normal response. Give words to your feelings: “I cry because I loved Grandma so much.” This prevents children from wondering whether they themselves may be the reason for your tears.

“You can playfully bring the conversation to the deceased by asking: ‘What made you look like grandma and what didn’t you?’ Or ask a philosophical question: “Do you think someone leaves completely when she’s dead, or can she still be with you for a little while?” This creates space for questions.

“Give honest, concrete answers. For example, when children hear that ‘someone died peacefully in his sleep’, this can evoke fear to go to sleep. Make sure they don’t get into bad fantasies.

“Prolonged loss of concentration, worrying, gloominess, withdrawal and nightmares can be signs that your child needs more help in processing the grief.”

To comfort

Mariken SpuiWe don’t want to hurt the other person out of concern by talking about something painful like death and the dead. Avoidance of pain can be seen throughout society and therefore also at home.

“But the pain is there anyway, it is not caused by starting the conversation about it. It can be so relieved when it is named, and to be able to cry in front of others.

“And that is what we can teach our children, that sadness is completely normal. Above all, show your own emotions, and explain to your children what happens then: ‘That was nice, now the tension is gone.’ By putting your behavior into words, you immediately offer the children a language for their feelings, which helps them with their grieving process.

“It is good to reassure children that they are not responsible for solving our grief. If you notice that a child is becoming very caring, and seems to be more concerned with you than with itself, you can come back to that at a quiet moment. “I noticed last week that you were very concerned about me. I like that, but it really isn’t necessary. I talk about this with very nice people.”

Tamara Luijer is a remedial educationalist and generalist who works in child and adolescent psychiatry. Mariken Spui is, among other things, affiliated with Utrecht University as a university lecturer. She has a PhD on grief and loss in children and wrote the book Grief in children and young people.