THEconstant satisfaction? It can happen in life to come to terms with a sense of frustration deep and find yourself thinking you’ve got it all wrong.
This is how it ends focus only on mistakes made and goals missedgiving rise to a vortex of negative thoughts from which it may seem difficult to get out.
Why me? What did I do wrong to deserve this? What’s wrong with me?
These are often the questions we find ourselves asking. Apparently harmless questions but which in reality can constitute a dangerous trap, because they are capable of increasing the sense of frustration. Precisely for this reason, the first step in making peace with yourself and abandoning the vicious circle of dissatisfaction is learn to ask the right questions. As he explains Ana Maria Sepefounder psychologist of Psychoadvisor.com as well as co-author of the book “Rewrite the pages of your life”published by Rizzoli.
Dissatisfaction: How to get out of the dead end
When you feel dissatisfied or frustrated, you have a sense of being blockedprisoners in a blind alley from which you can’t get out.
“Every dissatisfaction leads us into a impasse but it was us, involuntarily, who took that road – explains Ana Maria Sepe – The first thing to do, therefore, is trying to understand how we ended up right there, at that point, in that historical moment of our life».
Frustration and desire for redemption: a vicious circle
“It is also always good to keep this in mind: the greater the frustration, the greater the desire for redemption we feel and that triggers dangerous vicious circles moving away from destinations that would otherwise be very accessible to us. – explains the psychologist – The most classic example comes from dissatisfaction with one’s physical shape. Just think about it: what would you do to get the body you want? On the one hand we are willing to do anything to reach the coveted goal, but on the other, we come out defeated in everyday life. In theory, following a balanced food plan and integrating some training doesn’t seem like difficult things, but when you start from a state of dissatisfaction, they can become (almost) impossible missions. At this point, the only thing we can do is take a few steps back to understand how we ended up in that dead end. What is hidden in the unfulfilled desire to lose weight? Perhaps the lack of acceptance of oneself? The same goes for sentimental dissatisfaction: why are we desperately looking for love? Maybe because we can’t give ourselves enough? Or, why don’t we leave our partner if the couple’s relationship is unsatisfying? Maybe because, deep down, we fear we can’t face the world alone?
Dissatisfaction: the importance of knowing how to ask the right questions
If asking yourself so many questions is essential to get out of the vicious circle of dissatisfaction, you have to learn to ask the right questionswithout falling into the trap of unproductive questions like the classicswhy me?‘ or ‘What did I do wrong to deserve this?’
“It’s a way we have learned to pamper ourselves. These are certainly very tender questions but unfortunately they are unproductive and also dangerous because they imply a state of helplessness and no adult is truly helpless – explains Ana Maria Sepe – When we are children, we are literally at the mercy of events and of our parents. For a child who feels they have been wronged, it is only natural to wonder ‘What did I do wrong to deserve this?’. From adults however, if something bad happens to us, we should understand that it doesn’t happen at all because we deserved itUnfortunately, life is much more complex than that.
Transform dissatisfaction into a moment of introspection
Knowing how to ask the right questions is also a way to transform what are the moments of discouragementon occasions of personal growth and introspection.
“Each of our frustrations, in reality, it can reveal a lot about us and the wounds we carry inside. Being able to ask ourselves the right questions means getting to know each other, it means giving ourselves the possibility of undertaking functional paths that will never again lead us into dead ends – explains the psychologist – Transforming dissatisfaction into a moment of introspection and growth is a sign of great emotional maturity, it means that we are no longer willing to suffer events».
The first question to ask yourself
The first question to ask is certainly about the origin of your dissatisfaction. What makes you so frustrated? Is that really the cause of dissatisfaction or is there something deeper to see?
«When the source of dissatisfaction is something tangible, it is always advisable to think about it with a clear head – Ana Maria Sepe continues – with the appropriate detachment, perhaps by placing ourselves as if those problems did not concern us but a dear friend”.
The importance of showing compassion for yourself
In addition to knowing how to ask the right questions, there are then other strategies that can help improve communication with yourselfmaking the inner dialogue somehow more functional.
«The secret to a good self-talk is to show understanding for ourselvesstarting from the words we choose to address to each other – says Ana Maria Sepe – When we try to talk to each other, in reality, more than to open a dialogue we are used to launching ourselves into a whirlwind of self-criticism. We transform ourselves, without knowing it, into our strictest judge. This too is a legacy of our childhood, we behave with ourselves just as our parents implicitly showed us».
Dissatisfaction and obsession with comparison
Often dissatisfaction also arises from comparison with others who always seem to be better than us or have more than us. How to free yourself from the obsession of comparison?
«Since we were children we have learned to compare ourselves to others by following an example from our reference adults. We lived it with the teachers, at school and before that at home, with the comparison between little cousins and little brothers… With these comparisons, we have been unwittingly taught to value everything on a plane of ‘higher than…’ or ‘lower than…’ while in reality we should have a more global vision, of mere diversity – underlines the expert – I’m not talking about a diversity between individuals, rather in the path of life. Everyone starts from different conditions, there are those who come into the world with all the luck and those who, on the other hand, don’t have a clear road and must conquer everything. To free yourself from the obsession with comparison just think about where we started from so that we can focus on our journeyabout our personal evolution. When you work on your path and start being satisfied with every step you take, then comparison will become nothing more than a useful growth tool. If we are not frustrated, we are able to learn and make the most of what is different from us».
How to overcome the fear of change
In the book “Rewrite the pages of your life”the authors state that “life shouldn’t be what happens to you and each of us has the opportunity to rewrite the pages”. However, we often find ourselves suspended between the desire to change and the fear of facing change…
«When we try to change even a single behavior, it is the whole identity that we call into question and our identity has taken years to forge: we cannot expect to distort it within a couple of days – explains Ana Maria Sepe- Change, then, becomes particularly difficult for those who live with “dysfunctional beliefs” that are now so ingrained as to be part of that identity which I just mentioned. Everything we know today about how the world works, about love and about ourselves, we learned in childhood. If as children they often made us feel inadequate, powerless or listless, then we have learned to unconsciously identify ourselves as wrong, lazy and helpless towards life’s adversities. In short, we have learned not to believe in ourselves. With our behaviors, therefore, we end up creating scenarios to confirm those dysfunctional beliefs, without allowing us a real possibility of change».
What to do then?
“Must make an act of courage and ask yourself: From now on, what do I want from life? How can I fully express myself and be satisfied with who I am and what I have?» – still suggests the psychologist.
To be what we deserve to be
The cover of the book “Rewrite the pages of your life” published by Rizzoli
«Only in this way can we not limit ourselves to being the consequence of what was but give us the opportunity to simply be what we deserve to be! Sometimes we stumble into the mistake of thinking that “the willpower is missing” or the “discipline”, in reality none of this is missing, these too are self-accusations that we move unnecessarily. What is lacking is awareness: after all, no one has ever trained us on how our mind works and how to manage our emotional complexitythat’s why I decided to write that book, so as to allow everyone to acquire the right “tools” to transform one’s life into a reflection of oneself and not of one’s past. As I wrote in the introduction of the book “You are born twice, the first when you come into the world and the second when you decide to love yourself”».
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