CAra Ester,
I am C. and for years I have read and carefully reread the letters (with consequent response), sent and published in your address book. I feel that I am not the only one, “Mal Comune Mezzo Gaudio”.
But we come to me that I am 30 years old, a job that I love, a family that has transmitted me healthy values (too many), warmth, acceptance and a good dose of self -esteem (which I know perfectly destroy for myself), I have a circle of friends who reflects me and nourishes me but … in this fantastic description something is missing, The relationship of love is missing. And I try eh, with all of myself. I was in love (then trapped) 5 years in an intense but destructive relationship, I worked abroad for a while, some attendance of very little account and for a year … me I am catapulted into a relationship with a single father. Beautiful, awake, fascinating (at least in my eyes), long chats (as a good teacher I like to listen and be listened to), a total involvement. Then something breaks: become jealous and we leave each other – he recovers me- he becomes insecure and every now and then tries to accuse me of something- I listen to him but I don’t know anymore if I really mistake or do it to keep me to him. We are at short irons. Some exchange of messages but nothing concrete.
It is not present, there is no connection, both perched on their positions but without will to close definitively. Yet I had felt something, my heart was beating me again, it seemed to me that I had the energy of a lioness that hunting to nourish the whole family. I am 30 years old, and while I write to you I seem to be blocked at 20, when the only real things were the palpitations and, under this threshold, nothing seemed acceptable (and I still struggle to accept it). But let’s think for a moment about the salvable: who should I become to have a stable relationship with the heart that beats (at least a little bit)? And above all, for a stable relationship, does it really make some difference if the heart beats or not?
Peace is Moscia and little tolerate it But I’m afraid to find that DOPor this war- between me and the idea of love – or comes out defeated and disintegrated, or comes out with peace (mosses equal) and the awareness that even the stronger heartbar of heart, sooner or later it ends.
A hug to you but also to all complicated (and complex) ones like me.
Ester Viola’s answer
Dear N.,
By now I have convinced myself that there is no other definition, Every relationship with the forces to resist is the perfect relationship. There are too many common variations that afflict us: imaginary, unrequited loves, paid too late when you no longer care, systematically betrayed loves but always with a different person, always betrayed with the same person for so long that we have all been a family. Loves for Instagram, lovers Postalmarket. Assorted loved loves, loves “What a beautiful couple!” Then actually a disaster.
The question you ask me is the great sentimental classic. To which many times he tried to respond to replying others. Tolstoy with loves by reflection (possible only when you have already made the crazy ones) and Nick Hornby with High fidelity, whose reading I recommend until you send it by heart.
And above all, for a stable relationship, does it really make some difference if the heart beats or not?
We then did some time ago an approximate Summa Divisio between:
1) The great sexual love
The gas is very indicated in high school, not recommended in the university period, a hiatus after thirty years. It always happens and never ends, without exception. The reasons for the couple’s intensity? It is intuitive, they are the troubles. In gas it is always the case: one more, one less. The very strong feelings, those able to make you feel alive at maximum power explained in short are this: there is a person (you), inside a great story, who takes you at will. Five minutes of respite follow, and it seems who knows. The voucher looks even better when it is little. In fact nobody really asks you to stay, nobody dies if you go. It is great love if the other can do without you.
2) the little love quiet
The PAQ is not for the weak heart. “Those with your head in place make you practically die of boredom, and those who enchant you then discover that they are crazy,” writes Philip Roth. If after years you are still there to die of boredom, the important part of the whole affair is not that you died of boredom, it is that you are still there.
For the rest, nobody has the definitive formula. Attempts are proceeded, and constraints. It is a very little controllable crazy, to be in love. And those who think they have force of character borrowed from past experiences are of butter as everyone’s same, there is no knowledge and strengthening on the subject, there are only periods of wind slightly in favor in which you feel strong. All good to be balanced when things are going well.
It is love, and if it is love, we must get used to compromise. We know that the troubles pass with tiring micro -novamenti. That each daccapo is not a new beginning but a convalescence of broken bones. And that nothing, but really nothing, is an unrecoverable tragedy.
The last notation that I would add to add: the great sexual love runs in the same way the risk of becoming stable and soporific, no small quieto love is the same safe way, given that people, every now and then, changes their mind. Then choose the uncertain side of the life to which you feel slightly more suitable.